LiveDeep

Time

2009-01-21T06:12:00.000-08:00

Somehow the slivers of time that I used to find to post on this blog have disappeared. For now, let's all collectively exhale. The Dubya era is over.

HD and Coldplay

2008-12-17T10:24:00.000-08:00

Question of the day:

At what point does High Def (HD), become Regular Def (RD)?

You can't even find a Regular Def TV anymore. We might as well end the "HD" charade since it's quickly becoming the standard.

Observation of the day:

People who, by all acounts, are not cool (like local weather reporters) think that they can become cool by talking about how much they like Cold Play.

Gut-Check

2008-12-09T07:44:00.000-08:00

Did anyone else see the Illinois Senate seat up for auction on E-bay? Sadly I got out-bid at the last minute!

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested yesterday morning for being more corrupt than, well, the previous Illinois Governor who is doing time in a Federal penitentiary at the moment.

Last week a millionaire football player accidentally shot himself in a NY night club. He was carrying a concealed handgun...a felony and sure-fire (no pun intended) way to get a 3.5-year minimum jail sentence.

OJ Simpson was sentenced this week to a minimum of 8 years in prison for robbing some people at gun point at a Las Vegas trade show. Now who's going to hunt for the real killers?

OK, so there are some dumb/dirty/incompetent/evil people out there in the world - and that will never change. But what really fascinates me is not their bad deeds, but that rather this amazing gut-check moment that they all share in common.

Yesterday morning federal agents walked in to Rod's house and slapped the hand-cuffs on him (which is sort-of awesome in a "ha-ha you just kind busted you dumb a-hole" kind of way). What in the world goes through one's mind at that moment? Panic, shock, denial, anger? This twice-elected Governor and rising political star is suddenly sitting in the back of a Federal sedan w/ handcuffs on. Wow!

My guess? He's thinking about his kids - the two people in the world he is most afraid to disappoint. At least that's who I'd be thinking about. Although, this is the same guy who, amidst an ongoing fraud investigation, tried to solicit bribes for Obama's vacant Senate seat. So who knows what's going through his mind - maybe he's thinking about who he can bribe to get out of trouble.

Surely the people I mentioned above all reacted differently to their respective fates (who knows what a sociopath like OJ is ever thinking). But for slightly more normal people like Blagojevich - what a shock to the seneses!

But then again, maybe not. People like this surely have a small place in their sub conscious minds that knows this day will eventually come. For you and me it would be an aweful moment full of "ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod, I just crapped myself" kind of thoughts...but for Rod and company, they had to know in some remote corner of their minds that this would happen. Eventually their idiocity / greed / evilness would catch up. Today is that day; it's all over. Like when Kelly dumped Zack for that older, better looking guy (OK, it's not really even a good comparison, but I felt like working in a Saved by the Bell Reference).

I guess the moral is to not do dumb/illegal things that will get you indicted. Like if you're elected Governer don't talk about doing blatantly illegal and reprehensible things OVER YOUR OFFICE TELEPHONE!

Nerd Alert!

2008-12-01T06:26:00.001-08:00

New addition to my Bucket List: spend a night in the Lincoln Bedroom.

Yesterday I watched a History Channel special that went "behind the scenes" at the White House on a guided tour w/ Laura Bush. The place is essentially an American History musuem which also serves as a residence and the headquarters for the Executive Branch of the government. Did you know that during the first part of the Truman administration the interior of the White House was completely gutted, right down to the bare sandstone walls? According to legend, a leg of the President's daughter's grand piano fell through the floor -- it was then that Truman decided that the place needed some serious updating. Indeed it did, when they ripped out the old frame they discovered that certain ceilings were only being held up by "force of habit"!

Amazingly, in some tucked away corners of the White House where the Sandstone walls are visible, one can clearly see the char from fire damage caused in 1814! The Brits torched the place 2 years in to the War of 1812, which by my calculation means the fire was in 1814 (I did that without a calculator). I also learned that the current press briefing room sits atop the pool that FDR installed, and that Lincoln's ghost spooked Winston Churchill so thoroughly that he refused to stay in the Lincoln Bedroom ever again (I am not deterred by apparitions of Honest Abe).

So all of that is really cool, but here's my #1 take-away from the show (which also included a sit-down interview w/ George and Laura): President George W Bush thought that being President was a "job". Just a job. The problem with that, of course, is that someone who treats their job as "just a job" does not inspire, he does not lead, he does not transform, he does not succeed! George talked repeatedly about the Presidency as a "job" and all of the tasks he was responsible for. It's like he's that teacher who was glued to the Teacher's Manual and never brought in any new ideas or encouraged students (CLICHE' ALERT!) to think outside of the box. Which teachers do you remember, the one's who stuck to the written curriculum, or the dynamic souls who dared to speak their minds and encouraged you to speak yours' now and again?

I am particularly disturbed by Bush's words about the perks of the job. He was just way too interested in talking about how much he will miss Marine One and the White House chefs. Perhaps I'm reading too much in to this, but it seems to me that George's mindset entering the Presidency was just wrong. He was playing a part. He was "acting" like a President. He was just doing a job. Eight years later his approval ratings are the lowest in the history of approval ratings. Perhaps Abe Lincoln's ghost should have offered GWB a few pointers.

Here's another burning question. Is Laura Bush really that dull? That women hasn't said anything interesting in 8 years; her memior is going to have seven chapters dedicated the White House china!

The Curse of the DVR

2008-11-20T07:31:00.000-08:00

I have extolled the virtues of the DVR many times on this blog. Sadly, I have discovered it's fatal flaw. For those of us that fall behind several weeks in our TV viewing, we are forced to endure Campaign ads long after the election has come and gone. Yes, I know, I can fast forward...but all it takes is a moment of that ominous voice "Barack Obama voted 8 billion times for higher taxes in the Illinois Senate, blah blah blah, blahbaly blah" to make me have flashbacks to the most obnoxiously long campaign season in the history of campaign seasons. Just when I thought I was out, they pullll me back in!

Secretary of Common Sense.

2008-11-14T06:25:00.000-08:00

Since President-Elect Obama is busy picking his staff and cabinet right now I'd like to throw my hat in the ring for a newly created position. Secretary of Common Sense! My job would responsibilities would include fixing anything really stupid that's going on; like outrageous executive bonuses, the designated hitter, and "The View".

Barack, my friend, this is a sorely needed position, just look at the state of Television these days. The Secretary of Common sense would clearly have to nationalize the Broadcast Television networks, who seem to think that Knight Rider had a snowball's chance in hell of being watched by more than...well...me (David Hasselhoff, where are you when we need you the most?).

I mean these are the same executives who had the chance to put Mad Men on their channel and passed. By the way, if you haven't seen Mad Men it I implore you to pick up the DVDs. Best show since The West Wing and easily the best thing on Basic Cable (note: I do not get HBO or Showtime). Heather and I are like the only people I know watching this show, which sucks cause I want to talk about how good it is, but you're busy sucking up the 20th season of Law and Order. Do people watch Law and Order? Really? Hasn't this format run its course? All the more reason for the Sec. of Common Sense to step in and set things straight. Oh, and another TV thing that's been stuck in my craw; there's a cartoon called Back at the Barnyard that has a Bull with an udder. Um, did I miss something in Sex-ed class? Since when do they put hermaphrodite farm animals on Nickelodeon? Clearly the Secretary of Common sense also has his work cut out for him or her.

As Secretary of Common sense I will immediately outlaw any Christmas decoration displays in retail stores or Christmas-related sales until AFTER THANKSGIVING. I will make people who smoke pay twice as much for health insurance. I will outlaw being ignorant. I will enforce a mandatory civil service requirement for two years before people turn 25. I will make teaching as important and well-paid as doctoring and lawyering. I will introduce [American] football to the middle east as a way for warring factions to take their aggression out on each other instead of blowing each other up with IEDs (oh, and they need a few Hooters restaurants too). Everyone must listen to This American Life on NPR. Day care will be completely tax deductible, as will be college education. Movie theater popcorn cannot cost more per gram than heroin. We will immediately transition to the metric system. NASA's only job is to keep us from getting hit by an Earth-killing asteroid; there have been way too many movies about this for it not to happen at some point. Forwarding a chain email results in your internet privileges being revoked for two weeks. The phone companies will cease and desist delivering those ridiculously huge yellow phone books to my front porch - I haven't used one since 1997 (hellooooo, it's called GOOGLE).

These tasks should fill most of my first 100 days. Hopefully I will get two terms to complete this important work. And please refer to me as Mr. Secretary from now on, I think I've earned it.

E-Rules Follow Up

2008-11-13T10:52:00.000-08:00

Someone at my office just broke out a 5 exclamation point email. Yes, 5. !!!!!

With All Due Respect!

2008-10-27T06:49:00.000-07:00

In this video of an interview with "Joe the Senator" Biden he ends his answer with "It's a Ridiculous Comparison...with all due respect." in response to the reporter's question about Obama being a Marxist. As if somehow adding "with all due respect" makes calling the reporter a complete idiot less insulting. I like this concept that we can insult people, but get away with it by adding "...in all due respect". So, in keeping with this theory I'd like to throw out a few insults of my own:

John McCain, with all due respect, you're really old and you smell like Ben-Gay. (ooh, this is fun!)

With all due respect, High School Musical? Really? Am I just too old to get it? With all due respect, it's, um, well, a little, um, how should I say this?....flamboyant.

Local News Station Sports Guys, with all due respect, nobody watches you anymore. Sorry but ESPN, FOXSports, and 18 Million web sites have replaced you many times over. I think it's time to give up your 5-minutes a night and let the weather guy talk about cumulunimbus clouds or stationary fronts. It was fun while it lasted but, with all due respect, it's over. It's not you, it's me...and my 7 channels of ESPN (plues ESPN8, "The Ocho"). You're more obsolete than 5 inch floppy disks and Steve Guttenberg.

Side note:

I just looked up Steve Guttenberg on IMDB to make sure he is truly obsolete, and discovered that the last movie he was in that I've actually heard of was Three Men and a Little Lady in 1990! That's almost 20 years of making movies that I haven't heard of...which is kind of impressive in it's own pathetic way...with all due respect to Steve Guttenberg. Actually, in 1986 Steve Guttenberg was in Short Circuit, one of my all time childhood favs.

Big 12 North football teams, with all due respect...The Big 12 South is Varsity and you are a pimple-faced JV squad. Oh, and with all due respect to Colorado, you aren't even JV, you're Pop Warner.

And Finally, with all due respect to every retailer on the planet. CHRISTMAS IS NOT FOR TWO MONTHS! Please, please, puhl-eeeease stop shoving it down my throat! Lowes has had their giant blowup Santa things out since August! That's right, AUGUST. Walmart has 5 aisles of Christmas stuff out. Radio stations are playing Christmas music...before Halloween. With all due respect to Christ and his Birthday, let's celebrate in December, I think he will understand.

Cute Picture of the Day!

2008-10-23T05:49:00.001-07:00

No, we're still not sure how he ended up with light hair. Although he does love to clean, so I'm pretty sure he's mine.

Ugh

2008-10-20T06:11:00.001-07:00

Mizzou loses two in a row. Order is restored in the Universe.

Get your tickets for the Insight.com Bowl now!!

Why Not To Be President

2008-10-10T10:08:00.000-07:00

I'm so completely and thoroughly annoyed by the election season at this point that I thought it would be interesting to think of reasons why not to be president in the hopes that McCain or Obama read my blog and one of them decides to drop out. What, you don't think they have time to read a blog about essentially nothing written by someone with no influence outside of his own home (and even that's debateable now that Beckett has learned the word "No")? I think it's entirely possible...

What if the NSA guy who read my last post because it included some red-flag words (nuclear, Najaf, Al Qaeda) forwarded my blog link to a friend in congress who is interested in learning about how to solve all of the world's problems. The congressman then forwarded it to some McCain staffers who then forwarded it to some Obama staffers with whom they have a secret back-channel relationship. The staffers in both campaigns thought LiveDeep was so great they immediately sent it to McCain and Obama who are reading on their BlackBerries right now. See, it could happen.

OK Barack and John, here are the top reasons why it would suck to be President:

1. No drinking or doing drugs. I'm making an assumption here, but I don't think the President is allowed to get drunk considering as he has the missle codes in his back pocket. Although....a sloshed Commander in Chief could be very interesting. I can picure Dubya drunk-dialing German Chancellor Angela Merkel to talk about the "moment" they shared when he tried to give her a back rub at the G8 Summit.

2. People save their clothes that you accidentally "stained" . I think VH1 should do a "where are they now" for people that gained national prominence during the Clinton scandals. I'd love to know whose conversations Linda Tripp is recording these days. I seem remember That Woman, Ms. Lewinsky, hosting a bad reality show a while back. You know, so far my generation has come out pretty normal considering we were impressionable teenagers when the President was being impeached for getting a "you know what" in the Oval Office.

3. Your every move, every word, every gesture, every sneeze, every laugh, every fart, every bomb you drop, every hangnail, every extra-marital affair and every unilateral war you wage will be scrutinized by every media outlet on the planet and be seen by nearly every human being. In other words, you'll be almost as famous as Brangelina.

Guys, is this really what you want?

New E-Rules

2008-09-25T11:15:00.000-07:00

Electronic interchange of information has changed the world. I didn't even have an email address when I showed up for my freshman year of college in 1998. 10 years later I spend more than half of my waking hours sitting at a computer communicating with people. Granted, I am different than most because I work for a software company and my particular job requires lots of communication...but I don't know anyone [who wasn't alive during the Hoover administration] that doesn't have an email address. My Octogenarian Grandma [who was alive during the Hoover administration] forwards me emails almost every day!

The exorbitant amount of cyber-chatter has created ample opportunity for abuse (I'm talking to you Penis Enlargement people). Therefore, I'd like to propose some New Rules for on-line communication (email, texting, instant message, etc). This my set of 6 "Electronic Communication Commandments":

1. The "Thanks" email is hereby outlawed. I get it, you're being polite...but you also just interrupted my train of thought, took up 3 KB of space on my email account, and accomplised nothing!

2. In the event that a "Thanks" email is truly warrented on RARE occasions (like I just saved your dog from drowning or told you about the 3 feet of TP hanging from your pants), you are not allowed to use an exlamation point! It makes other "Thanks" messages without exclamation points feel less important. Before long you've got people throwing out "Thanks!!" and "Thanks!!!". This nuclear escalation of exclamation points can get out of hand very quickly. Really, it's best that we just abide by Rule #1 so this never becomes an issue.

2. The only emoticon permissible for use is the little martini glass. All smileys, hearts, rain clouds, clocks, and 4-leaf clovers are hereby forbidden. My company's internal IM software has about 70 emoticons, including big red lips. I'm pretty sure that I won't be sending a big smooch to my boss any time soon, or any of my co-workers, ever. I guess it's just there for intra-company hook-ups? Are they encouraging this?

3. You are not allowed to disguise a forwarded email by taking the "FW: FW: FW:RE:FW" off of the subject line. You know full-well the most people don't read forwards and the deception is not appreciated!!! (you see that, i threw in three exclamation points which clearly makes the point stronger than if I had only used one).

4. On FaceBook and MySpace your screen name should be your actual name and your profile picture should be a picture of you. There can be other people in the picture, like your kid, but you must be prominent. These are social networking sites were you go to find people and allow other people to find you; yet you totally de-identify yourself by throwing a picture of your Yorkie up there?? Hmm, ohhkaaay. Perhaps we need to discuss the definition of the terms "social" and "network".

5.a. You cannot "LOL" yourself. For example, we're chatting about politics and you say "I think Obama is Sexy, LOL". First of all, I'm pretty sure you didn't just Laugh Out Loud, secondly, I will be the judge of whether or not your statement is funny...not you.

5.b. You cannot type LOL about what someone else says unless you actually LOLed. Otherwise just type "YNAFAYTYA" for "You're Not As Funny As You Think You Are".

6. Texting is the most inefficient form of communication since morse code. Do you know how ridiculous you look walking down the street trying to keep you fat fingers from hitting a H in stead of a G? New Rule...texing only allowed if you are being held captive by Jihadists and you need to let me know the crossroads of the bunker in Al Najaf in which you are imprisoned. Oh, and a quick shout-out to the NSA agent reading this right now because it was flagged for including the words "Jihad"., "Nuclear", and "Al Najaf". You guys are doing a Heckuvajob, keep it up!!!!

That's all I got. I know, I know, INAFAITIA (I'm Not As Funny As I Think I AM).

Peace

Beckett Update

2008-09-23T12:51:00.000-07:00

After celebrating his first Birthday Beckett decided it was finally time to start walking! It's odd thing to see him stand up and walk away unassissted . For some reason it's especially funny when he's naked. His gait is still what I would describe as "drunk chick", but it's improving all the time.

He has recently added several words to his vocabulary including "bubble" (pronounced Bahhhh-bulllll) and continues to enjoy Go-Gurt (yogurt in a tube). He loves his new bull-dozer (thanks Aunt Jamie). Bailey-the-dog is a few bull-dozings shy of a nervous breakdown.

While Beckett hasn't given up his penchant for biting his daycare classmates (how cute, our own little Hannibal Lecter), he has impressed with his ability to climb up the jungle gym stairs and go down the slide unassisted. Something that even the kids several months his senior can't do. I have to say, as the dad of a little boy it's way cooler now that he can do stuff.

We are on ear infection #9 right now. The ENT has recommended he get the ear tubes, that happens next week. While the prospect of minor surgery isn't exciting, a winter of no ear infections is very attractive!

I tried to explain to him last night that he's going to be paying off a $700 billion dollar government bail-out of the financial industry when he's an adult. His response? "Bahh-bulllls".

Awesome Quote of the Week #9

2008-09-22T12:43:00.000-07:00

This is an excerpt from an Op-Ed piece in which the Fictional Predisent Bartlett from "The West Wing" (written by Aaron Sorkin) is counseling Barack Obama on how to win the election...

Bartlett to Obama:

GET ANGRIER! Call them liars, because that’s what they are. Sarah Palin didn’t say “thanks but no thanks” to the Bridge to Nowhere. She just said “Thanks.” You were raised by a single mother on food stamps — where does a guy with eight houses who was legacied into Annapolis get off calling you an elitist? And by the way, if you do nothing else, take that word back. Elite is a good word, it means well above average. I’d ask them what their problem is with excellence. While you’re at it, I want the word “patriot” back. McCain can say that the transcendent issue of our time is the spread of Islamic fanaticism or he can choose a running mate who doesn’t know the Bush doctrine from the Monroe Doctrine, but he can’t do both at the same time and call it patriotic. They have to lie — the truth isn’t their friend right now. Get angry. Mock them mercilessly; they’ve earned it. McCain decried agents of intolerance, then chose a running mate who had to ask if she was allowed to ban books from a public library. It’s not bad enough she thinks the planet Earth was created in six days 6,000 years ago complete with a man, a woman and a talking snake, she wants schools to teach the rest of our kids to deny geology, anthropology, archaeology and common sense too? It’s not bad enough she’s forcing her own daughter into a loveless marriage to a teenage hood, she wants the rest of us to guide our daughters in that direction too? It’s not enough that a woman shouldn’t have the right to choose, it should be the law of the land that she has to carry and deliver her rapist’s baby too? I don’t know whether or not Governor Palin has the tenacity of a pit bull, but I know for sure she’s got the qualifications of one. And you’re worried about seeming angry? You could eat their lunch, make them cry and tell their mamas about it and God himself would call it restrained. There are times when you are simply required to be impolite. There are times when condescension is called for!

Awesome Quote of the Week #8

2008-09-12T13:13:00.000-07:00

"Scott Linehan is so bad, NBC just added him to its fall lineup."

- The Sports Guy Bill Simmons

Enough Said.

Just..Can't.....Help......Myself!

2008-09-10T07:32:00.000-07:00

As much as I am thoroughly and completely annoyed by the interminable presidential election, I can't help but voice some frustrations about the process. "Yes I Can!"

First of all, the primaries were totally unnecessary; it wasn't that long ago that parties just picked a person to run and that was it. They started campaigning in the fall and were elected later in the fall. Done and Done. You've all seen how long, laborious and expensive the process has become. To put it in perspective, the Chinese gymnasts were still fetuses when the first Democratic Primary debate occured.

On the subject of our shiny new VP candidates:
Gee, I'm shocked to see ANOTHER news story today about Biden going off on the Hockey Mom or that the Hockey Mom's kid had an ultrasound. Here's a real newsflash...nobody cares about Vice Presidents unless they shoot somebody on a hunting trip or lead us in to an arbitrary and unilateral war that costs billions of dollars, thousands of lives, and increases hatred of the U.S. in the Middle East.

On the subject of our shiny Presidential candidates:
All of the Obama v. McCain back and forth bashing is like trying to endure teenage siblings on a 20 hour road-trip. It's fun for about 35 minutes while playing "I Spy", but quickly degrades in to painful bickering about smelly feet and personal space (by the way, I was for smelly feet before I was against them).

The stupid nitpicking and disingenuous representations about the other candidates' views and politcal history is obnoxious, transparent, and beneath these two men who appear capable of far better things. They've allowed themselves to be sucked in to the 'politics as usual' they both rail against. Barack and John - we are dissapointed. You are starting to look too much like Bush and Kerry.

Well...it's been nice knowing all of you. I'll wave goodbye if I see you as we're being sucked in to a black hole this week.

Blight

2008-09-05T07:53:00.000-07:00

So I work in a corporate office park which is located in an area of town that should be the spokesmodel for urban blight. My company, which is actually headquartered in a different part of KC, bought this office space for pennies on the dollar. It sits right next to KC's old Bannister Mall, which was once a booming shopping center which included a Dillards, Sears, Pennies, and Macy's along with a full load of the usual mall tenants. It was "the place" to shop in KC. Now the mall and nearly every store in the surrounding strip malls are closed. It's a suburban ghost town.

That's the thing about KC, it's sooo sprawled that the inner ring suburbs and associated retail developments have really started to decline. Even the 2nd ring, which we live in, is started to feel blighted. But they keep frikin building more suburban crap in new places at the same time they close it in others. The metro area keeps stretching further in all four cardinal directions while there are huge abandoned swaths of residential and commerical real estate that just get left behind (like the area around my office). The phenomenon is not unique to KC, but it's worse here than any city I've seen.

Anyhoo, before I got off on my tangent about suburban sprawl, I did have a point to make. The pictures you see of Bannister mall were probably taken shortly after it closed. Nowadays there are huge weeds and brush growing in the parking lot, which is slowly crumbling. It gives me great comfort to see that in just over a year nature can start to reclaim its turf. Life is so powerful and so ubiquitous on this plantet! If humans were wiped off the Earth today I think the damage we've done would be muted rather quickly as the forces of nature erase our substantial imprint.

I've written about the ultimate fate of mankind previously on this blog; I'd like to know what will cause our ultimate demise. Perhaps somewhere in the not-so-distant future things will get so bad (global warming, lack of food, disease, etc.) that the global community will finally realize there is an easy solution. Dramatic population decrease. It would only take a couple generations to cut the human population down to a fraction of its current size by outlawing reproduction for a while (except for a lucky few by way of a lottery system). We would all live in a handful cities for a few centuries and let nature reclaim what we've messed up everywhere else. Problem solved. Mankind continues to exist, Earth recovers, and we keep on keepin' on.

See, I bet when you started reading this blog post you didn't think you'd walk away with the solution to all of the Earth's problems. Your welcome. Have a nice day.

Kansas City Ink!

2008-08-28T19:10:00.000-07:00

Three years ago when Heather and I got married in Hawaii we though it would be cool to commemorate the occasion by getting "inked". There were a couple aborted attempts; we had trouble finding a place we were comfortable with and I couldn't decide what to get. Fast forward to last weekend and as a surprise anniversary gift I took the misses on a trip to Whispering Danny's Exile Tattoo in Kansas City. The least shady looking tattoo place I've ever seen!

We got the place and told Steven (check out his myspace page) our general idea. I had done voluminous Google image searches for inspiration ahead of time...eventually deciding on a Polynesian (Hawaiian) tribal feel done in swirly pattern with a "H" and "B" (Heather and Beckett) worked in to the design. Steven did a drawing which was perfect on his first try...then off we went!

Here he is outlining it. You might be wondering if it hurt... Yes, yes it did (hence my rather ghost-like complexion). It didn't really hurt less as he prorgressed, but I did get used to the sensation after a while. The actual tatooing process took about 45 minutes.

Here he is coloring nicely between the lines.

My sensitive skin took it pretty well!

Heather went next. She got a little turtle with the "R" and "B" worked in to the shell design.

When he began Heather's she got a pained expression on her face which caused me to have immediate and horrifying flashbacks to child birth (she says birthing hurt way worse in the pre-epidural period).

Here's the finished reptile. I think that it kinda looks like it's crawling up on to her foot.

We're hooked. I'm taking suggestions for my next one...

Humility

2008-08-27T12:19:00.000-07:00

I ran in KC's version of the Komen Race for the Cure recently. This is a fun event that draws a huge crowd annually. Out of several thousand people I placed a respectable 59th, 13th in my age group with a time of 20:07 (5K) Not nearly as fast as back in high school, but faster than last year. I don't think many new parents can say they got faster in the first year of their kid's life, so I was proud of that.

The party pic guy snapped this picture near the finish line. Inevitably there will be a handful of women that beat me in a race of this size, so the attractive woman in the sports bra to my far right didn't bother me as much as the 13 year old girl that had just blown by. Humility!

Shooting for 19:30 next year....

Spoon Fed

2008-08-25T19:42:00.000-07:00

This is Mr. Beckett attempting to eat some yogurt. As you can see his spoon skills are still a work-in-progress.

"Uh-Ohhhhh!"

Ce'st La Olympics

2008-08-11T12:53:00.000-07:00

It's been hard to find to time to blog with all of the badminton on TV. I'm serious, I love this crap.

The 29th Olympiad is in full swing and I'm hooked. From Archery to Equestrian, the 24 hour coverage is on like 13 different channels (most in High Def...which is especially important when Misty May and Kerri Walsh hit the beach to play volleyball); I can't take my eyes of this stuff. Have you ever seen team handball? It's awesome, these guys leap like five feet in the air and fire this softball-thing as they hard as the can at the goalie's face. It's like hockey but without sticks or ice...ummm...ok, maybe it's not like hockey (but still awesome). This morning before work Beckett and I caught a few minutes of Poland vs. China indoor women's volleyball; nothing like some hard-hitting Poles to start the day!

I have a few, unrelated thoughts on the Olympics:

Perhaps it's because I am not the worlds greatest swimmer (buyoancy problem), but I have immense respect for water polo players. These dudes tread water for the entire game, which probably explains why they're built like, well, water polo players. I actually get tired just watching that sport.

Here's my question: At what point in life do you decide, "hey, I'm really good at ping pong, maybe I should devote my life to it"? And here's my other question: if ping pong is an Olympic sport, why isn't air hockey? Not sure if it would be a winter or summer sport, but I would definitely watch it.

Who the heck knows how they decide which sports get in to the Olympics, or how they decide who gets to compete? For example, basketball teams can bring anybody, however soccer has an age maximum of 23.

Apparently the Chinese don't have to follow the rules which state Olympians must be at least 16 years old, they have frikin' toddlers on their gymnastics team. Is anyone else a little uncomfortable watching "Women's" Gymnastics?

There is Ping Pong, but no air hockey. There is rowing, but no bass fishing. There is rhythmic gymnastics...which is an oddity in and of itself. There is synchronized swimming and synchronized diving, but no synchronized wrestling or synchronized weight-lifting. Baseball and Softball are in this time, but out in 2012 (so sad, no more Jenny Finch).

These conundrums aside, I will continue enjoying a daily dose of competition from Beijing - the city where the sun never shines.

TFA in the News

2008-08-05T07:52:00.000-07:00

I like to pass on Teach for America news when I come across it. Here's a short interview appearing in USA today with the Author of a new book that chronicles the first year of teaching of some TFA-ers in LA.

I'm still proud of my decision to take part in that movement, and a little sad that I didn't have the mental fortitude to continue the work. Just yesterday I was remembering how mentally prepared I had to be each day, and how I occasionally needed coaxing from Heather (via cell phone from 300 miles away) just to walk in that school door. Not because I was scared or couldn't handle the kids...but the challenge was just so immense that there were times, especially in the beginning, when it seemed utterly pointless to even try. A far cry from my cushy office job now.

At the risk of sounding pompous, there were not very many things in my life that I hadn't succeeded at, or been good at rather quickly. So it was a jolt to suddenly fail at something every day. Of course there were small successes, which grew to larger successes as time went on - but it's the ones you lose (or never had a chance at saving) that sick with you. I think I turned in to a pretty darned good teacher, one that the kids respected and expected to learn from. But what a battle it was each day.

Alas, life had other plans for me...moving back to St. Louis to go to grad school. I got married, moved again, had a baby. It has now been 4 years since I left Tilden High School; I can still smell that classroom, and hear the noise of the cafeteria nearby, and see the faces of my kids, and wish that I could have done more...and think that I need to do more.

Sigh...

Date Night (no spoilers)

2008-07-31T13:50:00.000-07:00

Heather and I saw a movie last weekend for the first time since before Beckett was born. There I sat, with my Diet Coke, my Reece's Pieces, my wife...and no kid. Bliss.

I was thoroughly impressed by The Dark Knight, although it was probably 20-30 minutes too long. It sort of hung at its climax until you were worn out it, which caused the last quarter of the movie to feel slightly laborious. That's my only criticism - it really is an instant classic. Too bad this is Ledger's second to last film because he deserves all the kudos being thrown at him posthumously; I've been a fan since Lords of Dogtown. Also, Maggie Gyllenhaal is a huge upgrade over Katie Holmes in the role of Rachel Dawes. She actually...you know...acts.

OK, my movie critic days are over.

Can you believe Beckett's first birthday is only 2 weeks away!

In other Beckett news, he has officially been promoted to the toddler room at daycare. Now he can haze the little babies. AIR-RAID YOU LITTLE INFANT BRATS!

Awesome Quote of the Week #7

2008-07-30T11:44:00.001-07:00

"Republicans, by mindlessly repeating their offshore-drilling mantra, focusing on a 19th-century fuel, remind me of someone back in 1980 arguing that we should be putting all our money into making more and cheaper IBM Selectric typewriters — and forget about these things called the “PC” and “the Internet.” It is a strategy for making America a second-rate power and economy."

- Thomas Friedman

Awesome Quote of the Week #6

2008-07-24T07:33:00.000-07:00

In the interest of fair treatment...I offer this as my quote of the week from Glenn Beck (conservative columnist and radio/tv guy).

"As candidates, Barack Obama and John McCain are ironically a lot like the way the media treats them: Obama is the glitzy magazine cover that screams for people to buy the issue, and McCain is the fact-filled article buried inside that makes you glad you did."

Gotta admit that there is a scary love affair between Barack and the media. Katie Couric acts like a fat kid in a candy store when she does an Obama story. I just hope we don't find some major skeletons in his closet after he gets elected because this presidential race is quickly turning in to Clinton vs. Dole the sequel. Over before it really gets started.

Out Sick

2008-07-08T07:00:00.000-07:00

Been to the doctor lately? I have, and my office visits went faster than a virgin on prom night. It felt like I was in some sort of prescription factory where the doctors' sole purpose was simply to write "Z-Pack" on a little white slip of paper and send me packing. It's like they all went to the Michael Phelps school of doctoring - fast, fast and faster.

All You need to know are a few simple rules and YOU TOO can be an office-based physician:

Keep the prescription pad handy at all times...never and I MEAN NEVER let that little stack of tickets to script-ville out of your sight.
Don't ask too many questions. You as doctor are on a STRICTLY need-to-know basis. Just because someone has a grapefruit sized lump protruding from their neck doesn't mean it's any of your business. They have a dry cough and that's all you need to know. Do a little "Deep breath, say ahhhhhh" song and dance, and then....yup....Z-PACK!
Wear a white coat. It makes you look important, like you have sicker patients to deal with in the next room (even though we all know the guy in the next room is only here for his little blue pill prescription, see rule #1).
Avoid computers like the plague. You live happily in the paper-based world, screw Bill Gates and his fancy machines! Who needs electronic reminders for important vaccinations or alerts for dangerous drug interactions? Not you! Remember, once they're out that door they're not your responsibility.

OK, there are some good doctors out there (I love you Honey!), I just haven't visited them lately. I also admit that the speed at which docs have to see patients is a function of reduced reimbursement from insurance companies and the government. They have to see more patients to make the same amount of $ they used to, so the patient suffers. What a wonderful healthcare system we have!

Rant Over. Have a good rest of the week!

Retractable Roof

2008-06-23T11:45:00.000-07:00

I was reading an article this morning about the state of sports in Seattle, whose basketball team is desperately trying to move out of town because the current arena is "out of date". Mind you the building is 12 years old and was lauded as being beautiful and state-of-the-art waayyyyy back in 1996. If you want to know more read this Jim Caple article on ESPN's Page 2. He speaks of, among other things, the ostentatious nature of sports venues these days. From the jumbo-trons the size of Rhode Island to the ubiquitous luxury boxes to the sponsored seating sections; it's all becoming a bit tacky.

This all got me thinking, what if the people who design sports stadiums designed my house. A nice, middle class sized abode with all the trappings of the ultra-modern sports stadium. Here's my list of probable features.

1. Retractable roof over the lavatories (what's better than taking a growler under the stars?)
2. Baby's bedroom sponsored by Ortho Tri-Clycin. A giant Birth Control Pill replica lights up every time he cries, poops or spits up.
3. Entire side of the house replaced by a 5,000 inch HD jumbotron featuring replays of our everyday activities. Passers by will watch in amazement as I give Lola a "How's Your Father" with the garden hose after she expresses her anal gland.
4. Rock And Roll Part 2 by Gary Glitter plays every time I finish a load of laundry. Da da daaa daaaaa, da da da daaaa, HEY!
5. Beer and cotton candy vendors roaming the living room. Well, maybe not. Those guys can be pretty shady looking and I don't know if I want them hanging around. Plus they charge like $9 for a beer. But the convenience....hmmm....tough call on this one. Maybe we could hire the beer vendors to change diapers? DIRTY DIAPERS...GET YOUR DIRTY DIAPERS!
6. Luxury Boxes overlooking the bedroom (we get %75 of all revenue). Ok, maybe I took that a little too far.

Any other suggestions?

Greeniness

2008-06-10T12:35:00.000-07:00

It's happened gradually so you may not have noticed, but "Green" is the new "I Used To Be a Wasteful Slob".

I like to think of myself as environmentally conscious. My wife will tell you that I am rather obnoxious about conserving electricity around the house (I mean it's summer, you're supposed to be hot). I'm also adamant about recycling. Quick side note: you actually have to collect your recyclables for a month or two and then bring them to a local recycling center yourself. The ridiculousnous of a giant diesel-burning truck rumbling through your neighborhood every week to pick up your half-full tub of bottles and cans is a brilliant example American Obtuseness (yes, that's a word). It's like buying the H3 instead of the H2 then patting yourself on the back for saving the polar bears. Sorry, we've just got to do better (thanks to John Kerry for loaning me his 2004 presidential campaign slogan).

There are tons of great ways to conserve, like changing the power settings on your computer and driving slower. One of the en vogue ideas right now is this notion of buying local food. The idea is that locally grown items require much less energy to transport, hence they are more environmentally friendly. A couple of problems here:

1. If you don't live in a farm community is it possible to buy local? I really don't know...not sure how to find out.

2. Also, this...
Christopher L. Weber and H. Scott Matthews of Carnegie-Mellon:
"We find that although food is transported long distances in general (1640 km delivery and 6760 km life-cycle supply chain on average) the GHG emissions associated with food are dominated by the production phase, contributing 83% of the average U.S. household’s 8.1 t CO2e/yr footprint for food consumption. Transportation as a whole represents only 11% of life-cycle GHG emissions, and final delivery from producer to retail contributes only 4%. Different food groups exhibit a large range in GHG-intensity; on average, red meat is around 150% more GHG-intensive than chicken or fish. Thus, we suggest that dietary shift can be a more effective means of lowering an average household’s food-related climate footprint than “buying local.” Shifting less than one day per week’s worth of calories from red meat and dairy products to chicken, fish, eggs, or a vegetable-based diet achieves more GHG reduction than buying all locally sourced food."

Another fine example something that sounds good until you actually do some science and discover that it doesn't make any sense at all; like Coke II or Ben Affleck as Jack Ryan.

Happy Graduation

2008-06-06T08:31:00.001-07:00

It is the end of graduation season and many of you out there have had the discomfort of sitting through one (or several) of those interminable ceremonies. I do apologize to my family and friends who had to sit through any of mine. Really, the worst part is that inane graduation song that gets stuck in your head for days or weeks afterward; daaaa da da daa daaaa daaaaaa. ...

Sadly I didn't go to Harvard, so I never had a cool commencement speaker like J.K Rowling. Her entire speech is here...it's about a 5 minute read and well worth the time. Here's a couple of passages I liked.:

1. On the subject of failure:
"You might never fail on the scale I did, but some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default."

2. On the subject of imagination:
"And many prefer not to exercise their imaginations at all. They choose to remain comfortably within the bounds of their own experience, never troubling to wonder how it would feel to have been born other than they are. They can refuse to hear screams or to peer inside cages; they can close their minds and hearts to any suffering that does not touch them personally; they can refuse to know."

Awesome Quote of the Week #5

2008-05-28T11:19:00.000-07:00

For those who haven't seen the ad campaign, Dodge is offering to subsidize your gas so you never pay more than $2.99/gallon for 3 years (if you buy their car). Here's the response of Tim Shriver, chairman of the Special Olympics, who wrote an essay for the Washington Post that ran over the weekend:

“So Dodge wants to sell you a car you don’t really want to buy, that is not fuel-efficient, will further damage our environment, and will further subsidize oil states, some of which are on the other side of the wars we’re currently fighting. ... The planet be damned, the troops be forgotten, the economy be ignored: buy a Dodge.”

A Dog's Health

2008-05-23T07:47:00.000-07:00

Our home is situated directly adjacent to a city park which contains walking trails and some wooded areas. The teenagers like to go down there before and after school to smoke and do other things that teenagers do (ick). Despite these loiterers, it is a nice feature to have so close to home.

Quick sidebar...To give you an idea of what a curmudgeon I have become lately, last fall after I had done a whole bunch of work fixing my lawn I actually yelled at some kids cutting through the grass on their way down to the park. It won't be long before I'm wearing black socks with my sandals, trimming the bushels of hair growing out of my ears, and using the word "whippersnapper".

Anyhoo, we like to take walks in the park because Lola can go leash-free without getting run over by one of the dumb teenagers driving 50mph through our neighborhood. A couple weeks ago Lola galloped after a rabbit in to one of the wooded areas and emerged 30 seconds later walking like a drunk chick doing the Humpty dance. She had stepped on one of those really heinous 2 inch thorns that look like some sort of medieval torture device. It went straight into her palm, sunk in about a centimeter. I extracted the foreign object from the Canine (oops, I find myself occasionally slipping back in to "CopSpeak") and she ran off as if nothing had happened.

That night, however, our little bitch began to hobble about the house in apparent pain which lead to a trip to the vet the next day. The whole point of this rambling story is that I now have access to all of Bailey and Lola's medical records via the web. It's very easy to use and I even get email reminders when they canines are due for shots and stuff. Is there anyone out there who can do this for their own personal medical records? Does anyone get email reminders when they are due for a colonoscopy (not that you would want to know), or when their kids are due for important vaccinations?

There are a growing number of personal health record websites like Google Health. As with similar services from Microsoft, Revolution Health, and WebMD, the basic service at Google Health is a place to store personal medical data. But most of the sites depend on individuals to enter the data themselves. It's too cumbersome! Are you going to call every doctor, hospital, and pharmacy you've visited to collect your records? Are the records even electronic at those places? Can you figure out how to upload the data? Can you manually enter the data? If you are responsible for compiling these records, will any clinician ever take them seriously?

I'm not necessarily a big fan of government run programs, but this seems like a perfect opportunity for our lovely politicians to step in and do something useful. Right? A government run web portal where all of our clinicians submit patient records in a standardized format! Sounds simple, but will never, ever happen. The time, cost and complexity of interfacing all of the disparate EMR systems out there down in to this web portal are insurmountable barriers.

I think the best answer for now is to find a tech savvy doc that's part of a big, tech savvy health system and stick with those providers as long as you can. Or...you can get your medical care from Lola's veterinarian. Although you might change your mind after you see how they take her temperature!

Peace, and happy Memorial Day.

Universal Balance

2008-05-19T07:44:00.000-07:00

These stories both ran this morning in St. Louis and Kansas City news respectively. Sadly, the driver in the second story passed away and I don't wish to make light of his demise...but you can't tell me there isn't some sort of divine balance to our universe!

14 tons of Oreos spill on IL highway

05/19/2008

MORRIS, Ill.

Police say a trailer loaded with 14 tons of double-stuffed Oreos overturned Monday morning, spilling plastic sleeves of cookies into the median and roadway.

Illinois State Police Sergeant Brian Mahoney says the truck's driver was traveling from Chicago to Morris on I-80 around 4 a.m. Monday when he fell asleep at the wheel and slammed into the median.

Mahoney says the force of the crash ripped open boxes of the cookies, but their plastic wrappers kept them from covering the ground.

The crash about 50 miles southwest of Chicago remains under investigation.

Mahoney says no charges have been filed but both lanes of traffic remain closed while authorities remove the cookies.

....And Story # 2.....

Truck driver killed in overnight accident;

KANSAS CITY, Mo -- Investigators say they're looking for the driver of a car that may have played a part in a deadly accident.

Raytown Road near I-435 was shut down Monday morning as crews cleaned up diesel fuel and milk. Authorities say a man was on his way to deliver a truck full of milk when he lost control of his semi-truck.

Witnesses say another driver may have played a part in the wreck. They say a car moved into the right hand lane of southbound I-435, immediately in front of the milk truck, and may have cut off the driver.

The truck driver swerved, lost control and toppled off an overpass onto Raytown Road. The cab hit a pillar and exploded.

The trailer was full of milk when it smashed onto Raytown Road below I-435. Clean-up crews worked to clear the disintegrated and to mop up a mess of spilled diesel fuel and milk.

If you have any information about that other driver, please call 816 474 T-I-P-S.

The Name Game

2008-05-12T06:14:00.000-07:00

The official Social Security Administration list of baby name popularity for 2007 just came out. As expected Beckett jumped up at bit in the rankings from number 756 in 2006, to 667 in 2007. Thinking back to the naming process, it was a very stressful undertaking. Heather and I started by setting up a few ground rules when it came to naming our child, they included:

Nothing androgynous like "Pat" or "Leslie" or "Sam". In Germany the government has banned any name that doesn't clearly delineate the child's sex. We don't live in Germany, but I like the way they think.
Not too popular...my rule was to be outside of the top 100 most common names (we're still safe at #667 despite a few celebrities trying to screw things up for us). We just didn't want Beckett to suffer the same fate that I have, being one of at least two Ryan's in any group of 20 or more. This includes every class, training group, social group and office that I've ever been in. Just walk in to a crowded room of people age 25-35 and say "Ryan" really loud and like 5 people will turn their heads.
Heather insisted that it also have a nickname. "Beck".
It had to flow off the tongue, but not in a weird way. "Royce Joyce" was out.
It had to be simple, masculine and cool. So far we've received very positive feedback from anyone under the age of about 50. Everyone over 50 gives us that condescending "Ohhh, how...unique".

Truth-be-told Beckett was actually second on my list, I compromised and we used Heather's top choice. My #1 name is classified because I have reserved naming rights for our next child (if that "next" child ever happens, I'm CERTAINLY not in any rush). I'm actually thinking about selling the aforementioned rights to some corporate conglomerate like they do for sports stadiums. "Accenture Joyce", or "Edward Jones Joyce" or "Baby Joyce at Invesco"...something like that. I figure at least this way the kid is revenue neutral.

There are actually companies that will charge you money to help you name your baby (that link will only work if you are a Wall Street Journal subscriber). One of the self-described "Nameologists" charges up to $350 for a package including three half-hour phone calls and a personalized manual describing the name's history, linguistic origins and personality traits. It might not be the biggest waste of money in history - that honor goes to any item purchased from FTD.com - but it's close.

I've already got my top boy and girl names ready for that potential (maybe never, hardly even thinking about it) child number 2. Hopefully they don't vault in to the top 100 by the time in the distant future when we consider having another child. Perhaps it would be easier to adopt a kid that already has a name to avoid all of the naming stress....and skip that whole pregnancy thing.

Baby Bottles and Horses

2008-05-04T06:25:00.001-07:00

As noted in my prior post, the media's fear mongering regarding BPA has convinced my to buy glass baby bottles. Unfortunately every website on the planet is sold out. No joke, none, anywhere. Finally I thought I had found some (the expensive fancy kind) only to get an email this morning informing me that they are indeed back ordered. Apparently the public has taken notice. I don't think "Born Free" is publicly traded otherwise I'd be buying stock.

The mecca of baby stuff, Babies R Us, carries precisely zero glass bottles in their store and 1 type on their website (sold out of course). Think about the message that sends. An entire wall of bottles from half a dozen manufacturers and not a single glass bottle. I happened to have a biology degree and also happen to be acquainted with one of the major exposers of BPA as a health hazard, so my knowledge base might be slightly different than most parents. But before this year's media firestorm, how was the average parent supposed to know that they might be harming their child with something as simple as a baby bottle?

I blame (in this order):
1. Plastics manufacturers like Dow
2. The bottle companies like Avent
3. The stores that sell the bottles
4. People like me for knowing the facts and not doing anything about it
5. The media for being like 15 years behind this story

OK, I'm done with this topic.

On a brighter note, at the end of the Kentucky derby the runner up broke it's two front legs as it slowed after the race and had to be euthanized on site. Nice "sport". Perhaps every time they have to kill a horse that gets injured they should also kill its owner. Maybe that would encourage them to stop putting the animals at risk by making them so enormously strong that one wrong move can cause a fatal leg fracture.

Oh, and on an even brighter note, the Earth is warming up because of our ridiculous lifestyles and we're running out of food.

Oh, and on an even brighter note than that, Heidi and Lauren are still feuding on "The Hills".

Modern Wonders

2008-04-23T13:59:00.000-07:00

You may have seen news stories recently about a chemical called bisphenol-A (BPA). If you haven't been following the issue Here's some quick background...

BPA is an organic compound that's used in the manufacture of polycarbonate plastics and in epoxy resins. The plastics are used for all sorts of crap like baby bottles, toys, tuperware, etc., etc., etc. Epoxy resins coat the inside of certain food storage containers to make the contents last longer and preserve taste. The problem is that BPA can leach out of the plastic and in to our bodies (usually through food and drink); it gets in to our blood stream where it has the interesting habit of acting just like estrogen. Estrogen, by the way, is on the list of known carcinogens (it doesn't usually cause cancer in us naturally because of some complicated biochemical reasons). BUT, adding extra estrogen-like stuff to our bodies can do lots of bad things like lowering sperm count, it and can predispose breast and prostate tissue to cancer, and it can cause neurological issues. It may even be linked to obesity. There's debate about the levels of BPA that actually pose danger to us and which of the possible side effects are real. The point here, however, is that it's almost certainly bad and we should avoid it.

Phew...deep breath.

Dr. Fred Vom Saal from good ole Mizzou has been researching this stuff forever. He used to harangue my Reproductive Physiology class about the dangers of BPA and I would subsequently harangue my family and friends. In fact I worked in Vom Saal's lab for a couple months to make sure that I really didn't want to devote my career to doing research (sorry Jack). When we did data "collections" on Mice I was often at the "killing station" where I would gas the poor little creatures then...gulp...cut their heads off and squeeze their blood into a test tube. There's no doubt that I'm coming back as a lab rat in my next life. I actually preferred the beheading over the alternative which consisted of squeezing the semen out of the testes. This is a really good article that summarizes Dr. Vom Saal's work, the plastics industry's attempt to cover it all up, the EPA's idiocity, and what's really going on with BPA.

So why am I bringing this up? Because I feel like an ass that I knew all this and didn't do anything to change my habits! Hell, I even worked in the lab that did some of the original research and I'm still using plastic baby bottles. When I'm not feeling lazy I avoid heating my food up in plastic containers, but not on a consistent basis. I feel like such a typical American that it took a bunch of attention from the unreliable media to get me to change.

I plan on buying some glass baby bottles this weekend and some non-plastic toys for Beckett since he's still in the stage where he just wants to gnaw on everything. Am I overreacting? Yeah probably, but I guess that's what parents are supposed to do. Besides, I think this is an interesting case where the media hasn't done enough of it's usual fear-mongering to convince us that we're doing something wrong. Seriously, the stuff has been around for more than 100 years and a been known to mimic estrogen since the 1930s.

Plastic is such an amazing modern convenience that we have come to take for granted. Unfortunately, like most modern conveniences it is bad for us, bad for the Earth and takes like 1,000 years to bio-degrade. Sweet.

Here's a cute picture of Beckett to make us all feel better after that downer!

Arrrrgggghhhh

2008-04-17T08:55:00.000-07:00

OK, now I am officially annoyed by the Clintons. Can someone tell them to go away? Arrrgggghhhh!

Barack gets my "Awesome Quote of the Week" for this quip in his book:

"What's troubling is the gap between the magnitude of our challenges and the smallness of our politics—the ease with which we are distracted by the petty and trivial"

CopSpeak

2008-04-14T11:51:00.001-07:00

Inspired by a NY Times Op-Ed criticizing the way General Patreaus spoke to congress last week in "CopSpeak", I would like to describe my Monday morning as the Chief of Police would describe it to NBC Action News:

I awoke this morning at approximately zero six forty-five a.m. to find my sleeping quarters infiltrated by canines. Canine number one, a black female weighing 50 pounds proceeded to sit upon my torso causing respiratory distress. Canine number two, a Caucasian with curly hair who responds to the name "Bailey" had barricaded himself under several layers of bedding material. Initially Bailey did not respond to repeated requests to exit the bed, but relented after several minutes of negotiation which included a threat of forced extraction and an eventual agreement to "have a cookie".

[It should be noted that Canine Number Two was questioned and is a "dog of interest" in a recent urination in the living room; CSI is currently processing samples taken from the crime scene.]

I was able to cleanse my face, apply an underarm odor protection, adorn myself with clothing, and consume a bowl of Special K prior to the awakening of a juvenile named "Beckett". The child is approximately 2 foot 3 and 21 pounds, he has thin brown hair, chubby cheeks, and likes to make motorboat sounds with his mouth. I gathered the juvenile in my arms at which point I was assaulted by a shower of regurgitated formula that emerged from the juvenile's mouth and landed on my pressed shirt.

At approximately zero-seven-ten a.m I attempted to change the juvenile's diaper, however an unexpected portion of feces rolled out of the diaper and on to the changing table. After adorning haz-mat gear I was able to secure the rogue turd and complete the diaper change and clothing of the child.

The canines were granted an exemption to public urination laws at zero seven-sixteen a.m. as they relieved themselves in the backyard.

After gathering an abundance of personal effects I was able to secure the juvenile in his car seat and exit the premises at approximately zero seven twenty-five a.m.

No charges are being filed at this time. Continued surveillance of the domicile is not necessary at this time. Case closed, until tomorrow.

2008-04-14T06:46:00.000-07:00

New Pictures of Beckett Michael Joyce!

Low-Wire Act

2008-04-07T09:45:00.001-07:00

I bought new Center Channel speaker for my Stereo system recently which I was installing over the weekend. It was my first foray in to wiring a speaker behind a wall, which requires fishing for the wire back through a secondary hole with a clothes hanger. I need not describe the frustration level reached in trying to make this happen! The endeavor was compounded by the fact that I was trying to get all this done while the baby napped (Heather was working). I felt like Jack Bauer trying to dismantle the nuclear bomb before the big red countdown clock reached zero...but in this case the nuclear bomb is little Beckett's need for attention 100% of the time.

I also did some rewiring of my home theater system to correct a "lip synch" problem I've been having when using stereo sound with the Dish. Right now American Idol like watching one of those old Japanese Monster movies with English dubbed over so the mouths don't move with the words. I think I figured out the problem, but the solution requires that I purchase an additional cable....the "Optical Audio Cable" - which wins the award for most oxymoronically named cable in history.

This all got me thinking about how many cables I have for my various electronic devices...here's the list so far:

-RCA cables
-Firewire (times two, one for the Desktop and once for the laptop...different sizes) cables
-HDMI cord
-Speaker wire
-S-Video cable
-Power cables
-Coaxial cable
-Antenna wire
-USB cords
-The wire to connect dig cam to computer (not sure what that one's called)
-The IPOD cord
-Headphone cord
-phone cord
-ethernet cord
And now...Optical Audio (I giggle a little every time I type that name).

Did I forget anything? There is obviously a grand conspiracy amongst the electronics manufacturers to continue making devices that require new types of cables. I have tool box full on obsolete cords/cables/wires! Citizens unite against the evil electronics companies that force us to continue adding to the tangled mess of wire behind our home theater systems!!!

Well Traveled Baby

2008-03-24T13:05:00.000-07:00

Beckett took his second airplane trip last weekend to Chicago to attend his Great Aunt's surprise birthday party. He earned an A minus for behavior; he would have gotten an A had it not been for the 20 minutes of pure, unadulterated screaming at the end of our inbound flight. It was a rather helpless feeling to just have to sit there and let him terrorize the ear-drums of a cabin-full of unsuspecting passengers. He also decided to take a deuce about 5 minutes in to the flight and there is actually no feasible way to change a diaper on an airplane. Their suggestion is to take one of their blue blankets a drape it over the crapper, then set the kid on top. Think about that next time you're in an airplane lavatory - not physically possible. You might also give some consideration to that blue blanket your a nuzzling up against your face on your next trip. So we just cranked up this little air jets and hoped nobody would notice the fragrance.

I'm still rather miffed at Southwest for eliminating the pre-board for families traveling with young children. I suspect their reasoning is probably two-fold:

They think it speeds up the boarding process if you don't let the "slow" families go first. WRONG. Families with babies will have to board at some point, and it's going to be much slower when the plane is already half-full.
All the major airlines are courting business travelers these days because they are reliable and price insensitive. SWA just needs to remind the fancy business people that things go faster when the babies get on first...PLUS...they can pick a seat as far away from the screaming baby as possible.

If SWA is serious about actually speeding the boarding process then I have a couple of suggestions.

Either A) assign seats or B) mandate that the window seat must be filled first, then middle, then aisle. How much time is wasted when the whole boarding progression stops cold because some dude decided to sit in the aisle seat before the window/middle are filled?

Also, on a full flight the overhead bins are always jam packed before everyone gets on board - the flight attendants recognize this and make announcements letting everyone know that they're going to have to check some bags. So at this point they know the bins are full, but are still letting people on board with bags that are clearly to large to fit under a seat. Um, hello?

Southwest, stop being baby-haters and implement my suggestions above. I mean what's next, babies must be stowed securely under the seat in front of you?

While I'm on the subject of travel, let me also vent some frustrations towards the TSA. Our diaper bag was [of course] searched for contraband, and we nearly lost a teething toy because it has an ounce of fluid in it. The security man had to get it approved by his supervisor! The ridiculousnous of this aside, let me also point out the container full of mysterious white powder (formula) that was completely ignored. Hopefully the terrorists aren't reading LiveDeep because I may have just told them that explosives in a powder form are allowed on planes. I also hope the drug smugglers aren't reading because I wouldn't want them to know that they can disguise their cocaine as baby formula. Can we please stop this charade and let me bring my Starbucks and hand lotion through security?

OK, venting done. I will write a thing on our actual visit to Chicago sometime this week along with some pictures, but I had to get this stuff off my chest.

On Race and Inequality

2008-03-18T07:16:00.001-07:00

Slavery was abolished in this country 143 years ago, the civil rights movement began in earnest more than 50 years ago, yet today we live in a country still clamoring for answers to issues of race and equality.

Look no further than our [the media's] obsession with a presidential candidate with 1/2 black roots. Barack's race has gotten so much coverage it's as if the media had never seen a black man before. Is his ascension historic? Yes, but long overdue. So he's a black dude with some ties to Islam. OK fine, now can we please move on to issues that matter? You know, like how he's going to fix everything that Bush broke. The Obama drama tells us that racial issues in this country certainly still garner attention, but the focus is all wrong:

The race of a man running for president is a public curiosity drawing constant attention. The dream of equality in this country, however is in distress and nobody seems to notice. We've come so far since the late 1950s when the governor of Alabama proudly proclaimed "segregation now, segregation tomorrow, segregation forever". We've come so far since the days when a black man or woman couldn't be served at the counter of a coffee shop and the most talented basketball player of his era, Cleo Hill, was blackballed from the NBA. These outrageous truths seem distant to us now, an ugly part of a great nation's history. Racial inequality however, is alive and well in the United States' public schools where children are afforded decidedly different opportunity based on their socio-economic status.

Of the 13 million children in this country growing up in poverty, about half will graduate from high school. Those that do graduate will perform at an eighth grade level. Pre-Katrina, only 4% of Orleans Parish Public School students scored above basic proficiency in English; only 6% in math. Is the Orleans Parish 100% black? Probably not, but I'm sure it's close and that's not really the point. Minorities are disproportionately represented in the ranks of the poor, and the poor are disproportionately found in areas with horrendous public schools.

Educational inequity is this generation's civil rights issue. Where are the protests? Where are the sit-ins? In a presidential election year, especially one with a minority candidate, I would have hoped to see greater attention paid to education reform. For all of Dubya's failings (and they were significant), at least he tried something by enacting No Child Left Behind. Granted, it was an immensely flawed program with no chance of success, but I give it a C+ for effort. It's time to get serious about the concept upon which this country was founded and address the incredible injustice being played out right now in our poor communities. There is great work being done by many school leaders and teachers throughout the country - but serious attention from the likes of Barack H. Obama would supercharge the issue.

[Ryan eases slowly down from his soapbox, careful not to trip over his self-righteousness]

Disgusting Parenting Notes

2008-03-11T09:21:00.000-07:00

Beckett and I aren't feeling well this week (yes, sick AGAIN). It's a head-cold this time and whenever Beck has a sniffle the ear infections are sure follow. The poor little guy is on his 4th or 5th set of earaches which make it hard for him to drink from a bottle. Through it all, however, he's been a happy little man who enjoys taking off his socks and sucking on them. Actually, Beck has ruffled some feathers at daycare lately cause he has a penchant for stealing his classmates' socks right off their feet!

Our series of illnesses this winter got me thinking about the multitude of emissions that have emerged from Mr. Beckett's various bodily orifices, what they looked like, and how difficult they were to clean up. So here is my "Scale 'O Baby Bodily Fluids" from least gross to most gross on a 1-10 scale with 10 being "makes me gag". Note that I have included any bodily emission, not just the ones when he's sick:

-Pee:
Typically a yellow fluid, occasionally clear. This is quite easy to clean up because it ends up in his diaper 99% of the time. I could probably compose a whole blog entry on the amazing technology of disposable diapers, but we'll leave that for another time. Baby boys are known for giving unsuspecting parents a golden shower, but he's only gotten me once when he was brand new. I'd only give urine a 2 on the grossness scale.

-Snot:
Oh boy, we have certainly become familiar with snot this winter. In previous posts I have referred to the rubber nose-sucking device which requires that I put a wrestling move on Beckett to hold him still long enough to extract the mucous. I'm sure he has nightmares about that thing; picture a 30 foot tall green rubber ball with a pointy end trying to suck his little brains out (not unlike the brain-sucking bug in Starship Troopers). Snot is some shade of yellow - from nearly clear with a yellow tint to a glowing neon color. Clean-up only requires a quick wipe with whatever paper product is handy. Fairly low on the grossness scale, give it a 3.

-Vomit:
There are actually two subcategories here, "spit-up" and "throw-up". He's done both, though I will group them in to one category for the sake of brevity. Vomit often takes on the color of the most recently ingested food; when Beck was an infant it was always whiteish, but now that he's on solid foods it spans the visual spectrum. The other night he had a blue popsicle and the vomit was....yes...blue. Clean up is also a case of "it depends" - on where it lands. If it hits the bib, then no problem, just replace the bib. However, it will often find it's way on to his clothes, your clothes, the floor, the carpet, our bed, his bed, the car seat, the stroller, and occasionally the walls. Several times he has thrown up ON Lola. Actually, if the vomit lands on the kitchen floor, the dogs do the cleanup! Yes, I said it, my dogs love regurgitated baby food. Kinda gross, 6.

-Ear Puss:
This was a totally new phenomenon to me. Apparently when ears get infected, the middle ear can get so swollen that it actually perforates the ear drum and nasty puss comes oozing out. When Beck had the flu both his ears got infected, then popped so he had brown goo coming out of them for about 3 days. The brown goo would dry in to a flaky crust resembling the top layer of baklava. Very high on the grossness scale, but relatively easy to clean up with a warm wash cloth. 7.5

-Poo:
Feces, excrement, waste, dooky; call it what you want, its effing gross. Poo is like snowflakes, no two are alike. Unlike snowflakes, however, poo stinks, and it's brown or green or purple (yes, purple). The past three days in a row Beckett has done his business about 5 minutes in to our 30 minute commute to daycare/work so I have had the great pleasure of enjoying the aroma for 25 minutes. The most infamous poo of Beckett's life came in my aunt Diane's bathtub where Beckett took the phrase "drop the kids off at the pool" far too literally. Cleanup depends largely on consistency and diaper integrity. Occasionally Beckett's diaper rides up in to the "thong position" which spells trouble if a number 2 happens. Overall grossness factor is quite high, 8.5.

Note that I have ignored the relatively benign excretions like drool, tears and blood - these barely register on the scale.

Sorry if I grossed anyone out. Parenthood does grant a certain immunity to these types of disgusting topics, so I figured why not share them with the masses! I do promise to blog immediately if we ever hit a 10!!

Sorry Barack

2008-03-05T06:14:00.000-08:00

Apparently I jinxed Mr. Obama. My bad.

Awesome Quote of the Week #4

2008-03-04T08:49:00.000-08:00

"I always look at my work as trying to measure the distance between American promise and American reality," Springsteen says. "And I think (Obama's) inspired a lot of people with that idea: How do you make that distance shorter? How do we create a more humane society? We've lived through such ugly times that people want to have a romance with the idea of America again, and I think they need to."

"The hard realities and how things get done are important, too, but if you can effectively convince people that it's possible to make things better, they get excited."

-Bruce Springsteen (no seriously, Bruce Springsteen) in USA Today

I have no intention of haranguing you with my political views, though I have been doing a lot of watching and listening to the political process lately and have a couple of quick thoughts to share. Most notably I, along with most Americans (including "The Boss"), am rather fascinated by the meteoric ascent of Mr. Barack Obama.

I won't rehash all the stuff you know about why Hilary is the logical choice, and why she has a better chance of beating McCain. Rather, I'd like to add to Springsteen's quote above by saying this; Obama doesn't make sense, and that's why he's the perfect candidate. No matter what the Clintons do to drag him down with the usual political nonsense, he keeps walking on water and stays focused on a message of hope and change. I do not know if the guy will make a good president, nor do I know if he is any more than the smooth facade and inspiring speeches. But I do know that he's different...finally, thankfully...something different.

The Little Man

2008-03-04T08:08:00.000-08:00

A few new pics of Beckett!

February 29th Trivia

2008-02-28T09:01:00.000-08:00

From an email a co-worker sent me today:

In the Gregorian calendar, the current standard calendar in most of the world, most years that are divisible by 4 are leap years. In a leap year, the month of February has 29 days instead of 28. Adding an extra day to the calendar every four years compensates for the fact that a solar year is almost 6 hours longer than 365 days. (Most of us already knew this part)

However, some exceptions to this rule are required since the duration of a solar year is slightly less than 365.25 days. Years which are divisible by 100 are not leap years, unless they are also divisible by 400, in which case they are leap years. For example, 1600 and 2000 were leap years, but 1700, 1800 and 1900 were not. Going forward, 2100, 2200, 2300, 2500, 2600, 2700, 2900, and 3000 will not be leap years, but 2400 and 2800 will be. By this rule, the average number of days per year will be 365 + 1/4 − 1/100 + 1/400 = 365.2425, which is 365 days, 5 hours, 49 minutes, and 12 seconds.

Let's talk about the amount vino imbibed by the monks who came up with that system. I propose a calendar contest to see who can come up with the most logical way of tracking time (perhaps something that doesn't require long division to figure out how many days are in a given year!). Here's a whole bunch more calendar history if you're interested.

The oddity of the existence of February 29th got me thinking...what are some other poorly designed systems or 'truths' in our lives that we completely accept as gospel without questioning their underlying idiocity? Here's what I came up with:

1. The English language. Let me ask you this....why is BOMB pronounced "bom", COMB pronounced "kohm" and TOMB pronounced "toom"? Damn, our language sucks...especially the silent "n" in damn.

2. That gas prices are high. Gas is cheaper than the bottled water you buy at QT and a heckuva lot cheaper than OJ.

3. That our major sports leagues call their champions "World Champions". This drives me crazy. They're the NFL champs or the NBA champs, yet the players and leagues insist on calling the winners "World Champions". How exactly are these team the champions of anything but their own league, much less the WHOLE WORLD? We need not look further than the recent defeats USA basketball has suffered in international competition to see that the the NBA champs ARE NOT WORLD CHAMPIONS. Stop it!

4. That famous actors and actresses are more beautiful than us regular folk. This one is being debunked by High Def television and DVD players (hello wrinkles and other facial imperfections!!). Is there a reason Oprah isn't in HD? I think sooooo!

5. That banks are open during the day when everyone's at work and closed in the evening when normal people can actually get there. To be fair, they are open 'til noon (woo hoo) on Saturdays. Luckily it's becoming less and less necessary to physically appear at a bank, but it's very difficult for us working stiffs to get there when we have to. I have the same gripe about dentists, family doctors, optometrists, yadda yadda. The oil-change place is open after hours; apparently it CAN be done.

6. That Paula and Randy offer some sort of "expert" opinion. I'm pretty sure Paula told one of the singers last night on Idol that she wants to rip his head off and hang it from her rear-view mirror. What??

7. That Valentines Day is an actual holiday necessitating a gift. If you don't get the day off work it's NOT a real holiday. I hereby move that Valentines day be stricken from the Gregorian Calendar...or maybe we could just move it to February 29th so we only have to deal with it every 4 years! That's it, the next valentines day is Feb. 29th, 2012. Exception: conversation hearts are allowed every year.

Influenza

2008-02-18T11:31:00.001-08:00

It sucks being sick. It sucks worse if you and your significant other are both sick cause there's no one there to make the chicken noodle soup or bring you an extra blanket. Last week, however, we reached record levels of suckiness when I, Heather, and Beckett all contracted the influenza virus simultaneously. It is a particularly nasty bug with accompanying fever, snot, cough, etc. etc. lasting 5-7 days. I'm still coughing like a chain smoker and blowing my nose like hurricane Katrina ripping through a trailer park (am I allowed to make a joke about Katrina, or is it still off-limits?).

Let's take a moment to talk about the Greek Tragedy that is a sick infant. First of all, they can't just bitch about being sick like us because they can't talk...so they cry...and they cry...and their noses run uncontrollably...and they have "interesting" bowel movements (which make me cry)...and they cry...and they cough...and they cry. They aren't particularly adept at sleeping when they are congested, so they cry at night too. They must be held 99% of the time...or they cry. Their bodily emissions are copious and uncontrolled....and they cry. The nasal "suction bulb" is the tool of choice; unfortunately infants have decided the suction bulb is akin baby water-boarding....and they cry.

So picture yourself with a really nasty virus, then add the sick spouse, then add the Greek Tragedy, and you should have a good mental picture of my home last week. If there is a rock-bottom for first-time parents, I think we found it.

Ok, pity party over.

Coolest Wife Ever

2008-02-12T08:37:00.000-08:00

Ever see that ridiculous car commercial where the husband buys the wife a new fancy car and she walks outside and it's sitting in the driveway with a big red bow on it? Nobody actually does that, right? Well, reverse the gender roles and picture me in my smiley-face pajama pants on Saturday morning and you've got a car commercial playing out right at my own residence!

That's right. My wonderful wife managed to buy a new car, have the frikin salesman drive it over to the house, put a big red bow on it, and surprise me with the coolest birthday present ever. If you know Heather and her penchant for spoiling surprises (shocking I know, it's not like she talks a lot), and my innate ability to sniff out an ambush, then you'd realize what a monumental accomplishment this is. I really had no clue. So here I am, pictured with my shiny new 2008 Chevy Malibu (no, I was not joking about the smiley face pajama pants).

The new 4-door car comes not a moment too soon as Mr. Beckett is about to grow out of his infant car seat. The big-kid seat doesn't just pop in and out so I actually have to get back there and strap him in (remember, kids sit backwards in the back seat until they're one year-old). In the old car I would have had to do a triple-axle, triple-toe loop combination to get him properly secured.

At 28 years of age I have reached the "upper" twenties, so it is fitting that I now have a grown-up car. Amongst its many comforts, the heated seats and remote start have been fantastic on these frigid February days...my bum has never been so toasty!

Any suggestions on what I should name her?

Another LiveDeep Copycat!

2008-02-06T08:11:00.000-08:00

A renown pediatrician, Dr. Harry Karp (the "baby whisperer"), has a new theory about communicating with toddlers that's drawing lots of attention. So what's the problem? His new method sounds suspiciously similar to my "Holler Back Technique" (patent pending). You can read all about Dr. Karp's [my] theory here.

Can you believe it? First Jerry Seinfeld steals my riff on the word "blog", now my parenting techniques are showing up in the New York Times. What's next, the name Beckett rockets in to the main stream just months after we chose it for our son? (oh wait, that already happened too).

Sour Sense Memory of the Day

2008-02-05T08:25:00.002-08:00

I was sitting at my computer this morning and out of no where had a really strong sense memory of cream of mushroom soup and I gagged a little. It's one of those few foods that I have consistently despised since childhood. One time, for example, I actually vomited green bean casserole. Yup, right there at the dinner table, just yacked it up like that kid in the E*Trade commercial from the Superbowl (which was easily my favorite by the way...talking babies never get old).

There are a number of foods I grew up hating mostly because my mom and sister loved them. For instance we always had to get mushrooms (which I loathed) on half the darn pizza and I resented being relegated to only half a pie. Gradually, however, I worked mushrooms into my diet and have grown to really enjoy them as an adult. But you put those mushrooms in some cream sauce and seal in a Campbell's Soup can and I won't even sniff 'em. I'm actually kind of nauseous just writing this post, no joke. I don't even like to think about those little bits of mushroom and that white creaminess that oozes out the the can retaining its conical shape...shudder.

The fact that most people in the world like the stuff leads me to believe that my hatred is purely a psychological manifest. When you think about it though, whether not not we "like" food is purely psychological. There's no real reason for me not to like cream of mushroom soup, but something in the deep neurons of my brain keeps telling me that I would rather have a toaster for an arm than eat a spoonful of that creamy nastiness.

Other examples of stuff I still won't eat:
1. cooked cauliflower
2. cooked broccoli
3 casserole of any kind (especially tuna casserole with the ground up potato chips). Casserole is one of my least favorite words...casserole...it doesn't even sound like something that would be good.

So that's my sour sense memory of the day. This is not an indictment of my mother's cooking ability, rather an experience that I think most of us share regarding a handful of painful childhood food encounters. I wonder what Beckett's most hated food will be? Will we make him power through the meal despite his protest?

VeggieSaurus

2008-01-29T09:11:00.000-08:00

I have long opined to my wonderful wife that I truly wish I had the fortitude to be a vegetarian. Call me a bleeding heart liberal or a Birkenstock-wearing Hippy, but I truly admire those who have the wherewithal to make that lifestyle choice. My problem is that I have the metabolism of a 16-year old which means a day without meat protein is very uncomfortable. My concentration sucks, I don't sleep well, I'm irratible; I just don't fare well without at a decent-sized portion of pig, cow, chicken or fish (and the occasional arthropod...mmmm, gotta love shrimp).

I was really struck by this NY Times opinion piece about the rate at which we, Americans, consume meat. I encourage you to take five minutes to read the article, which likens our consumption of meat to usage of fossil fuels. Ok, so you don't want to read the whole article or you think the NY Times is a rag...at least read these 2 paragraphs:

Global demand for meat has multiplied in recent years, encouraged by growing affluence and nourished by the proliferation of huge, confined animal feeding operations. These assembly-line meat factories consume enormous amounts of energy, pollute water supplies, generate significant greenhouse gases and require ever-increasing amounts of corn, soy and other grains, a dependency that has led to the destruction of vast swaths of the world’s tropical rain forests.

To put the energy-using demand of meat production into easy-to-understand terms, Gidon Eshel, a geophysicist at the Bard Center, and Pamela A. Martin, an assistant professor of geophysics at the University of Chicago, calculated that if Americans were to reduce meat consumption by just 20 percent it would be as if we all switched from a standard sedan — a Camry, say — to the ultra-efficient Prius. Similarly, a study last year by the National Institute of Livestock and Grassland Science in Japan estimated that 2.2 pounds of beef is responsible for the equivalent amount of carbon dioxide emitted by the average European car every 155 miles, and burns enough energy to light a 100-watt bulb for nearly 20 days.

So ignore the fact that mass production livestock farms are wretched and inhumane, but our voluminous meat-eating is doing considerable damage to the environment.

There's a book out there which has been on my reading list for some time called "The Omnivore's Dilemma"; I think the title aptly describes my feelings towards meat. On the one hand I really struggle without [a lot of ] it, but on the other hand I am doing an extreme disservice to our planet, and obviously I'm doing a mild disservice to those animals I consume. (by the way, you can read the first 30 pages of The Omnivore's Dilemma here)

So what is an omnivore like me to do?

One option is the Mediterranean Veggie sandwich from Panera/St. Louis Bread Company; surprisingly tasty! But I can't eat Panera every night, so there's some planning to be done if I really want to cut down on my animal eating. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Side note: Rankings of my favorite mammals and birds to eat...
1. Pig
2. Cow
3. Turkey
4. Chicken
5. Buffalo
6. Alpaca

I've often wondered how an animal as ugly as the pig can be so gosh darn tasty. It is nature's greatest paradox.

"Holla Back"

2008-01-20T06:02:00.000-08:00

Beckett turned 5 months old last week. To commemorate this landmark in his life he spent his day eating, pooping, peeing, hanging out in his exer-saucer and laughing at Bailey-the-dog. It is immense amounts of fun to watch the little guy wake up the world; he's playing with toys, pulling his mom's hair, and continues to enjoy sporting events in HD. He has also decided that whenever I'm drinking a beverage he absolutely must sample whatever is in my cup. His little hands wave in anticipation and he pants eagerly until he gets a swig - though he has yet to sample any adult libations.

While we're on the subject of parenting...
I counted last week and found out that there are 17,556 parenting books and websites out there, each complete with volumes of information and countless tips. All that information, and not one of them will tell you the best way to get a baby (at least my baby) to stop crying. I call it the "Holla Back Technique" (patent pending). It goes something like this: the baby cries or fusses and you, the parent, make the same crying/whining noise right back at the baby only louder. A recent study has concluded that the "Holla Back Technique" is 97.0% effective at ending the unwanted behavior, and actually induces as smile from said baby 94.7% of the time.

Disclaimer: Use caution when employing the "Holla Back Technique" in public places, especially if you do it to someone else's kid.

2008-01-09T09:20:00.000-08:00

The History Channel recently aired a really cool 2-hour special called "How the Earth Was Made". They describe it thusly: "From a once seething, hellish mass of molten rock to the world that inhabits life today, take a rollercoaster ride through the entire history of Planet Earth. Its 4.5 billion year epic, a story of unimaginable timescales, earth-shattering forces, incredible life forms, radical climates and mass extinctions. Discover how the continents were formed, canyons were carved, and why the world's animals live where they do." (congratulations to the History Channel for setting the record for number of adjectives packed in to 2 sentences).

Some of the material I was familiar with, like Pangaea, but I learned about "Snowball Earth" and what some of the first life-forms looked like during the Cambrian Explosion.

According to this program and other sources, the Earth is about 4.5 billion years old - it just celebrated its 4.5 billionth birthday but still claims to be 4,499,999,999 (silly planet). I also learned that the legal drinking age for planets is 1,387,945,087 years-old, although they can join InterGalactic Military at 1,247,895,499. Does it seem strange to anyone that a planet can die for it's galaxy at 1,247,895,499, but it can't drink until 1,387,945,087? Seriously though, every time we discover something new about Earth or the Universe they get older, yet scientists still boastfully claim they know what happened billions of years ago. Speaking of age, if you ever wondered what your favorite celebs will look like when they're old, check out this site.

What really struck me as I watched the program was the regularity of catastrophic "Earth-Changing" moments. Meteors strikes, massive volcanic episodes, continental collisions, major planetary freezes; they all happen with some degree of regularity . I am forced to come to the conclusion that no matter how much damage we do to the planet, some remarkably powerful natural force will wipe out every trace of our existence. As a matter of fact, it is estimated that the Earth's core will cool in about a billion years and good old Earth will end up looking a lot like Mars, lifeless and parched. Cest La Vie.

The Earth is a dynamic entity that will inevitably become a place unsuitable for human life, but please don't misconstrue my message here to say that we shouldn't take dramatic steps now to change our Earth-destroying habits. We can chose to stay here as long as nature allows, or we can continue down a path of self-destruction and do the job ourselves. I say let's hang around for a while see what happens. The real question is whether or not Law and Order will still be on the air when the next ice age hits - I put the odds at about 1:2.

Next time: Galaxy M 33 changes its drinking age to attract young planets from all over the Universe!

Ramblings

2008-01-07T06:28:00.000-08:00

This weekend was spent mostly catching up on housework (I know, you just got so excited you spit coffee all over your computer). It's truly remarkable how Beckett has diminished our productivity. We are in the midst of redecorating the bathroom in our basement. It's a job that Heather and I could traditionally knock out in a day or two, but has taken the better part of a month to complete. The little guy also continues to vector various diseases into our home, I have had some form of cold for at least as long as we've been working on that darned bathroom. I'm thinking about farming Beckett out to local union workers to help them conduct 'slow-downs'. Alas, the house is clean, the hogs are fed, and it's going to be 65 degrees today.

Ok, now that you're uptodate on my domestic challenges, let's get to the best news of the weekend. AMERICAN GLADIATORS IS BACK! That's right, the reality show that was well ahead of it's time in the 80s and 90s has made a glorious return to network television. Gone are Nitro and Lace - instead we have Siren and Crush (eh-hem, sorry, I swallowed a bug). I only watched about 15 minutes last night (don't worry, it's on the TiVO), but that was enough time for a female contestant to twist her knee like a Auntie Anne's Pretzel!

You might be asking yourself how a concept this brilliant could sit dormant for 10 plus years. I have no answer to this question; instead let us simply give thanks that those spandex-wearing freaks of humanity are back in our living rooms this week.

Holiday Fun

2007-12-29T20:49:00.000-08:00

Some [Beckett] holiday pictures for your viewing enjoyment...

Beckett gears up for Thanksgiving

Beckett and cousin Megan on Thanksgiving.

This is Beckett receiving his new [way too expensive] Baby Gap Blanket on Xmas #1. If you look closely you can also see a Lola head.

Beckett enjoying his morning newspaper with Grandpa.

Beckett experiences altitude sickness with Brian, the tallest person he has ever met.

Do you like my new hate? It's faux - I am an animal lover.

Grandma and Beckett On Christmas morning.

You're probably sick of Beckett pictures by now, so I'll throw you a bone...or in this case...an entire carcass.

Internal Dialogue:
-John: I kill bird, I am man, grunt grunt
-Jamie: John kill bird, meat good, grunt grunt, me break wishbone

Awesome Quote of the Week #3 and Celebrity Worship

2007-12-28T07:39:00.000-08:00

Comedy Central host Stephen Colbert was recently named the The Associated Press' Celebrity of the Year. His response:

"This makes me the official front-runner for next year's Drug-Fueled Downward Spiral of the year. P.S. Look for my baby bump this spring!"

Stephen's quote is a fine seque in to the topic of this post. Celebrity Worship.

I need not recite the problem our society clearly has with the amount of attention paid to the likes of Britney and Paris. The fact that you know the individuals to whom I am referring is evidence enough of a serious issue. My basic theory regarding the deluge of celeb-gossib in the media is that it represents a vicious cycle. We click on the entertainment stories on places like CNN.com more often than the hard news stuff, the media outlets recognize this so they put more entertainment nonsense out there, we keep sucking it up, they keep piling it on...and on goes the cycle.

The real problem here is not that we're nosy and we like to hear about other peoples lives, but that the celeb crap is taking time away from real news. Important stories and information is not being disseminated (or is being ignored). Water cooler conversations are about Jamie Lynn's baby's daddy rather than the assault on personal freedoms and privacy perpetrated by the Bush Administration. Entertainment news is not bad, phenomena such as this years end to Harry Potter and the death of an artist like Luciano Pavarotti are stories that help define our culture and deserve coverage. We've just got to find a way to filter out the trash. I just don't care what Lindsay Lohan puts up her nose - and the fact that I do know just pisses me off.

The answer? We must chose carefully the message we send to media outlets by ignoring the dumb stuff. Shall we all make a New Year's resolution to not click on a single entertainment article with the words divorce, marriage, break-up, pregnant, Suri Cruise, Nicole, Paris, Britney, Jamie-Lynn, Brangelina, baby bump, sex-tape, babby's momma drama, DUI, or Rehab in the title? (an exception to this resolution can be made for any story about the Olsen twins, especially if it involves them making out with Lance Armstrong and leaving a bar with him at 2am)

Maybe together we can make a dent in this pop-culture madness in 2008!

Happy New Year!!

Look for cute pics of Baby Beckett's first Christmas in posts coming soon...

Sources: CNN.com

Awesome Quote of the Week #2

2007-12-18T13:28:00.000-08:00

"The greatest thing about tomorrow is, I will be better than I am today. And that's how I look at my life. I will be better as a golfer, I will be better as a person, I will be better as a father, I will be a better husband, I will be better as a friend. That's the beauty of tomorrow. There is no such thing as a setback. The lessons I learn today I will apply tomorrow, and I will be better."

-Tiger Woods at a recent promotional event.

The full article found here is really interesting even for non-golfers.

I love my life and wouldn't trade if for anything. However, if you were to ask me "Ryan, if you could swap lives with anyone on the planet, who would it be?" I wouldn't even blink before answering Eldrich "Tiger" Woods. I challenge anyone to come up with a better answer. The dude is a gazillionaire, he has a supermodel wife, plays golf for a living (best player in history), and his name is Tiger. I mean, c'mon, you just can't beat that. I think it's safe to say I have a bit of a man-crush.

Biological Warfare

2007-12-14T06:35:00.001-08:00

I don't know precisely how long it had been - at least 5 years. 'Twas was a streak even Cal Ripken would have been proud of, but it all came tumbling down last Saturday night.

The evening started simply enough; my wife made a nice turkey dinner with the potatoes, rolls, corn, and cranberries. I even made a pumpkin pie for desert (OK, it was a frozen pie, but I baked it). An impromptu Thanksgiving dinner! What could be better? The in-laws came over and brought the gamay beaujolais which complimented our meal delightfully and took the edge off my long week.

After dinner I decided to digest for a couple hours so I could thoroughly enjoy my pumpkin-filled treat later in the evening. Unfortunately a couple of hours turned into 3, then 4. Then it was time for bed and I was still uncomfortably full. Odd I thought, I really hadn't over-eaten...perhaps the tannins in the wine had upset my stomach. The discomfort soon morphed into an uncomfortable nausea. The uncomfortable nausea got worse and soon morphed into...well...let's just say I called a few dinosaurs that night.

I will spare you the details of my stomach's decision to purge itself many, many, many times that evening. Just know that my toilet was quite battle weary by Sunday morning. My personal puke-free streak was over.

My body was weak and feversih on Sunday. Heather and Dan had to work 12 hours shifts, so I shipped Beckett off to our in-laws who were nice enough to watch him while I suffered. Their kindness, however, was awarded by infection with the same virus that took me down. It turns out that my adorable son was a pint-sized biological weapon leaving a path of destruction wherever he traveled. I later learned he had also infected his daycare worker.

Beckett had taken ill the previous Friday with similar (although much milder symptoms) and he rebounded quickly over the subsequent 24 hours. Two days later he was apparently still more infectious than that monkey in the movie Outbreak. The in-laws never stood a chance.

How could something so cute carry something so volatile? This 15 pound bundle of joy had taken down four adults and ended my puke streak. Never doubt the power of biological warfare!

Beckett Michael

2007-11-29T07:34:00.001-08:00

Our Little Man...

Pics from Mizzou Game

2007-11-29T07:25:00.000-08:00

Just two days away from the biggest football game in Mizzou history (this is becoming a theme)!!

Here's some photos from the KU game last weekend...I'll post more when I get them.

Kristin and Joe woke up early and headed down to the College GameDay broadcast. Here you can see Lee Corso with the Truman-the-Tiger head on.

See all the people in the background? The place was packed.

Post game celebration. All the empty orange seats in the background were filled with KU fans. The Tiger faithful stuck around to watch the Lamar Hunt Trophy be awarded.

A Deliriously Sore Throat

2007-11-25T07:07:00.000-08:00

So it turns out that standing outside in the freezing cold and screaming at the top of your lungs for 3 and half hours is [perhaps] not the best remedy for a shore throat. Who knew?

I was lucky enough to be one of the 80,000 attendees of the Missouri/Kansas Border Showdown game Saturday night at Arrowhead Stadium in Kansas City. It was a clear, cold night illuminated by a full moon that foretold an evening on which something special would inevitably happen. And it did. Mizzou shed its crusty old skin of mediocrity and finally won something - the Big 12 North title over the fictitious birds from Kansas. Today my voice box could use some TLC, but it was soooooo worth every M-I-Z....Z-O-U chant.

It was, without doubt, the coolest sporting event I have ever attended. Arrowhead was packed to the gills with Missouri and Kansas faithful; black and gold seated on one side of the house, blue and red on the other. The atmosphere, the game, the rivalry, the setting...incredible. Everyone in the stadium was on their feet for the entire event. I was jumping up and down like an idiot, screaming until my throat throbbed, and ignoring a full bladder for way too long. I'm clearly a subjective observer, but both the Mizzou football team and its fans brought their "A" game; the same cannot be said of our worthy competitors.

At first I thought I'd write this entry about the absurdity of our devotion to sports teams - like why we spend hundreds of dollars, dozens of hours and immeasurable amounts of stress and anxiety on a silly game. Then I realized that reason we do those things happened Saturday night in Kansas City. For that revelry, for that adrenaline, and for that spirit of unity. It was, in a word, awesome. I can't explain why I'm so gosh darn excited about a bunch of 18-22 year old football players that wear the jersey of a school I left 6 years ago, but my seat on the bandwagon is secure.

For Mizzou and its surreal season (Currently #1 in the BCS standings) it's now on to San Antonio and a rematch with the Oklahoma next Saturday night in the Big 12 Championship game. My heart starts beating a little quicker just thinking about it! Go Tigers!!

2007-11-21T06:19:00.000-08:00

This is a fun article about the Missouri-Kansas rivalry from the Wall Street Journal with some historical perpective.

Also note a Corby Jones siting in the last paragraph!!

Awesome Quote of the Week!!

2007-11-20T10:02:00.000-08:00

"Imagine telling the 1 billion people worldwide who lack access to clean drinking water that Americans use clear, pure drinking-quality water to wash their cars, then drink from water bottles and throw the bottles away. That...is my feared real explanation for the bottled water craze -- we've become too lazy to fill a glass, drink and return the glass to the kitchen. We want to throw the bottle away."

--Greg Easterbook (Author of Tuesday Morning Quarterback on ESPN.com)

A Wine-O's Fantasy

2007-11-15T13:38:00.001-08:00

I thought it might be interesting to try writing about a slightly absurd photograph about which I have absolutely no background information. A couple of Google Image searches later and I have a winner. Here goes nothing...

Starting from bottom left corner, here's the inner monologue of the people surrounding the smaller bottle of wine being poured by the disembodied hand:

Girl #1: Hmmm, maybe I don't really trust the disembodied hand pouring wine on us, I'd rather take my chances slurping up this stuff everyone is swimming it.

Dude #1: I think that Girl number one is in to me. Watch how I catch this red wine and rub it all over myself. Hey, do you wanna get out of here and go listen to my Justin Timberlake CD?

Girl #2: Is that the Beaujolais I'm smelling, or does this guy need a bar of Irish Spring to go along with the red wine?

Girl #3: Think this is fun? Last week I bathed in Diet Coke and Mentos (still have the shakes from that one but it's great for the pores). I've also recently submerged myself in Yoohoo, appletini, and hot dog water.

Guy #2: Oh PLLLEEASSE let it be RiverBoat Red!!!
(sorry, only people who've ever been to Booneville, MO will understand that reference!)

Kid #1: This red wine is much warmer than the recommended cellar temperature; it kind of makes me have to.....uh oh.....ahhhhhhhhhh. Ooh look, yellow and red make orange!

Thanks for playing, next time we'll try and figure out what the heck is happening in this picture!

M-I-Z-Z-O-U

2007-11-12T06:48:00.000-08:00

Did anyone else see Justin Gage on ESPN this weekend? Apparently he is alive and well in the NFL and caught a key touchdown pass for the Tennessee Titans! Justin also has his own Wikipedia page...it is one of my 5 major goals in life to have my own Wiki. Also on my list of goals:

5. Meet the Olsen twins
4. Retire at 50
3. (Have a Wikipedia about me)
2. Start a professional beer-pong league (on ESPN 8..The OCHO)
1. See the Univ of Missouri win an athletic championship in something...anything...please!

Did you know that the only athletic National Championship in Mizzou history was the 1954 Baseball team? All those years and all those sports and only ONE national champion. Mizzou may have won something called "indoor track and field" in 1964, but that hardly seems like an actual sport to me.

Anyhoo, back to football...
For those who lived through the Kirk Farmer era will be happy to know that he DOES NOT have a Wikipedia page. Remember when everyone thought Mizzou had "Turned the Corner" after they won the Insight.com bowl in 1998? Apparently there was another corner right after that first one, and it took 9 more years to get around it.

I originally hoped to write a "where are they now" blog entry about our favorite stars of Mizzou past (Kirk, Corby Jones, Brock Olivo, Devin West, etc.) but there just isn't that much information out there about average players from less than average teams from the late 1990s and early 2000s. Please reply to this post with any recent sightings. We heard from a few of the 1997/1998 players in this KC Star article a few weeks back.

Let's keep our fingers crossed for a good trip to K-State next weekend...and then a thrilling match-up against KU in KC on 11/24. If anyone is coming to KC that weekend give me a holler...Mr. Giger and Ms. Bender will be in town and we'll be in the parking lot at Arrowhead at least 3 hours before game-time (Rain or Shine!).

Grunts

2007-11-07T14:39:00.000-08:00

For Beckett's first couple months of life we were occasionally unsure if he had filled his diaper or was just passing noxious gas. This is no longer the case. Beckett has developed a "tell" as they say in the poker world. It goes something like this: "eeeehhhhhhhhh...eehhhhhhhhhhhhhh" and is typically followed by a highly satisfied grin. Bear in mind this is not just any grunt; it's a full force, grit my teeth, hide the women and children, grab something and hold on tight kind of grunt. Frankly, it's the kind of grunt that only a father could be proud of.

Congratulations young man, you've taken your first step towards manhood. Second step: pass out in front of the TV after a beer or two (see pic, left).

Don't forget, plenty of updated photos of the little man can be found here

Seinfeld is a Hack

2007-11-05T08:03:00.000-08:00

As I lamented in an earlier post (10/1) , my least favorite word is "Blog". Last Thursday night on The Daily Show, guest Jerry Seinfeld (apparently a frequent reader of "LiveDeep") did a whole riff on how much he despises the word "Blog". Jerry, I'm not asking for royalties, but at least give credit where credit is due.

While we're on the issue of my fabulous ideas that were stolen and bastardized by Hollywood...

As you all know I have a genuine fondness for my TiVO - seriously folks, it changes lives. Anyhoo, I have often opined to Heather about how cool it would be if I could pause, rewind, and fast-forward actual events. I could watch Beckett being born over and over again (might have to hit mute to drown out the screams)! Unfortunately, I failed to copy-write the creative rights to this idea before Adam Sandler and his cronies got a hold of it and made a horrendous movie called "Click" . The only redeeming quality of that flick is Sandler's wife who is played by Kate Beckinsale; her acting performance was ordinary, but her hotness is unparalleled.

In fact, the Hollywood writers aren't actually on strike right now...they're just busy reading my blog looking for new material!

"...by any other name..."

2007-10-31T14:54:00.000-07:00

As mentioned in a previous posting, my lovely wife Heather recently celebrated a birthday. She's notoriously difficult to buy gifts for (a topic for another post..talk to me at Christmas-time). I went with a shotgun approach this year purchasing several small items, including a flowering plant from FTD.com (note, I have not hyper-linked this site because I do not recommend that you ever use it, ever).

Let me begin by noting that I have a philosophical difference with the purchase of flowers as a gift. Fifty dollars [and up] for a bouquet of plant paraphernalia that will last maybe a week before withering into a depressing display of death is NOT what I consider a worthwhile investment. I take serious umbrage with the preposterous cost of these dead angiosperms . This issue has been a consistent source of conflict between my spouse and I; unfortunately the associated guilt obligates me to make an occasional floral purchase. To make me feel better about the cost, however, I like to order plants...you know...the living kind with roots, dirt, leaves, etc. These last much longer, yet still provide the aesthetic pleasure of the colorful flower.

So I went to FTD.com on Monday morning and placed my order for delivery on Tuesday. Next day delivery is something that flower shops ought to be accustomed to, right? I mean, they even offer same-day delivery for certain products. Unfortunately, as I compose this message on Thursday the plant has not yet arrived. My FedEx tracking number indicates that my plant is in Indianapolis...it originated in California...I live in Kansas City...I need not point out the spurious route that it has taken cross-country. I called FedEx on Wednesday, and they couldn't tell me why it was still in Indianapolis, or when it might make it's way to my home. I called FTD.com and they said they could send a new one, but it wouldn't arrive until Friday. I'd already missed Heather's birthday at that point, so I agreed to having it resent and argued for a 15% discount. Ugh.

Don't worry, I'm still keeping an eye on that original package in the hopes that I can score 2 plants for the price of one. I called FedEx again today - got a guy in India on the phone who put me on hold so he could go investigate the issue; after 15 minutes of elevator music I got disconnected. Outstanding. He probably went to lunch and just left me hanging there. I hope that guy chokes on his tandoori chicken.

So in the spirit of Stephen Colbert, I'd like to give a "Wag of the Finger" to both FTD.com and FedEx. You both suck. Sorry Heather, it's going to be while before I do this again.

On a side note, if you're an angiosperm enthusiast check out this site where you can identify your favorite flowering plant.

Ageless Wonder

2007-10-30T14:10:00.000-07:00

So my wife turns 28 today. I've long said that I would feel 'old' for the first time when I hit 28 because my oldest memories of my parents are from when they were that age. "Old" is a relative term. I am old when viewed through the eyes of a kid; I am a kid when viewed through the eyes of a centenarian. I am extremely young when placed on a geological time scale - I've only been around for 0.00000056% of the Earth's history and only 0.00000019% of the history of the Universe.

My ultimate goal is to live to 100, anything after that is just icing on the cake. What really sucks though is that even if I live to be that old, I still won't get to see what ultimately happens to man-kind (or if the LOST people ever get off the island). I'd really like to know if we figure out how not to destroy ourselves in time to not destroy ourselves. The way things are going it doesn't seem all that likely, so I'd also like to be around to see what eventually does us in. My money is on a nasty virus that actually doesn't wipe us out completely, but knocks the population down to a manageable size. Just think about how good traffic would be if 5 billion people died of the flu...and think of all the job opportunities that would suddenly open up!

As a phenomenon I find aging particularly interesting because of its inevitability. People go to great lengths to stay young, or look young, or feel young despite knowing it is a losing battle. My solution for those people is to calculate their age on the geological time scale and they'll realize that they're actually spring chickens compared to the Earth. This is a much cheaper alternative than Botox, personal trainers, or epic voyages to find the fountain of youth. Speaking of plastic surgery, did anyone see Wayne Newton on Dancing With the Stars? Wow. It actually looked like someone wearing a plastic Wayne Newton mask.

So do I feel old at 27+ ? Not really. My body's fit, I can still party all night (like this past weekend with my friends in St. Louis at SpookFest 2007 ), my hairline's in decent shape, I only have a couple of gray hairs, and I still watch "The Real World" on MTV (yeah...I said it...I also watch "The Hills").

Happy Birthday Heather! I love you!!

Work Update

2007-10-25T09:35:00.000-07:00

I think I finally got my chair working. Turns out it wasn't user error, but was in fact broken. The power strip was user error...I just had to push a little harder to get the prongs to go in the little holes.

Our Own Little Slice of Appalachia

2007-10-24T20:16:00.000-07:00

My friend Brian Fey was in town this past weekend to hang out and meet Beckett. The sad part of parenthood is our inability to be "cool" anymore - like stay up past midnight or go to nice restaurants unless we get a babysitter ($$). On Saturday night we had planned on going down to eat on the "Plaza" in KC, but Beck was cranky so we decided to stay out in Blue Springs/Independence and hit up the Outback Steakhouse. Our area has nearly all the chain restaurants you can imagine, but virtually no locally owned eating establishments that don't look like biker bars. This leads me to the topic of the day...my elitism.

In recent months I have observed the following about the lovely community of Blue Springs, MO:
1. A large percentage of people are smokers. The other day the lady down the street was sweeping her driveway and smokin' a cigarette at the same time.
2. There is an inordinate number of pickup trucks. The ratio of pickups to regular cars is very high in Blue Springs. I'd also like to point out a recent study I read that said pickup trucks are statistically more likely to be in accidents than regular cars.
3. There are more than one pregnant teenagers that live within walking distance of my home.

By all accounts I have many perfectly nice neighbors; there are few oddballs, but that's the case in any community. There's one guy we call the "dog-0-phile" because he shows a peculiar interest in Lola....but he seems like a decent dude when you talk to him. Forgetting the dog-o-phile and some recent crime activity perpetrated by youths from outside of our area, I don't have any real cause to complain about my neighborhood. So why, you might ask, are we trying to sell our house and move to a different part of town? The simple answer is that we are elitists.

Heather and I have a tough time finding things in common with our neighbors who are mostly hard-working blue collar type folks. I guess it's human nature to gravitate towards those who share your background and interests. For example, Brian Fey went to use the bathroom at the Outback Steakhouse and some guy playfully offered him chewing tobacco. This random dude was perfectly nice but I doubt I could hold much of a conversation with him unless I really brushed up on my Nascar knowledge. Here's how the conversation would go:

Tobacco guy: "How 'bout that Dale Jr. goin' over to the Hendrix team next year?"

Me: "Yeah, that's crazy how he can turn left for 500 miles without getting tired"

Tobacco guy: "I hate that Jeff Gordon, he's a momma's boy!"

Me: "I think I'm going to root for the guy with the M&Ms painted on his car cause I Love me some M&Ms!"

Alas, we are hoping to sell our house and move to Suburban-Yuppyville, Kansas. Maybe this makes us snobs, but at least we're willing to admit it!

Newbie

2007-10-22T18:40:00.000-07:00

I started my new job today. New company, new industry, new responsibilities...I have lots to learn. In addition to the important things like figuring out how to use the tracking software that manages internal development projects, I have all the little things to learn like where the office supplies are and how to use my phone. I'd like to point out the two most ridiculous things that I couldn't do and was to ashamed to ask for help with:

1. I couldn't figure out how to get my laptop power cord to plug in to the power strip on my desk. It's locked or something so you can't stick anything in the little outlet holes. I managed to get plugged in to an outlet under my desk, but that is quite cumbersome. (can anyone help me on this one?)

2. I couldn't figure out how to raise and lower my chair. I was tugging on one of the levers and managed to break it off, oops. So there I was on my first day with my chair flipped over for 10 minutes trying to reattached a little plastic handle.

So it was a long first day, but I think it will be a good job and a good place to work.

Adios for now.

Complicated

2007-10-18T14:45:00.000-07:00

It's startling sometimes just how reflective sports can be of society. Take the U.S. for example where football has become that national past-time. The game is big, it's violent, and it requires highly complex planning and strategy. The complexities of football reflect the amazing intricacy of the modern world in which we live. The excessive terminology, highly specialized players, and exhaustive hours that the coaches work are all perfect reflections of life in the 21st century.

I started a new job this week... I'm only in orientation now, but have already come to recognize that I know almost nothing about the company or business I've joined (despite what I may have thought previously); it is remarkably multi-faceted. This brought to mind a couple of questions....What about life hasn't gotten more complicated in the last 10 years, 20 years, 50 years, 1000 years? For that matter, what about LIFE hasn't gotten more complex since it emerged out of the pools of organic goo a few billion years ago?

I guess it's part of our nature (and of mother nature) to keep learning and finding new levels of complexity to explore. But Is there a breaking point? At some point does life get so complex that it implodes in upon itself? Perhaps the implosion has started already...perhaps Humans are that implosion. Our brains have evolved so profoundly that we now have the power to destroy ourselves and the life around us. Did we learn too much? Did society get too complex for its own good? Will we learn enough about how to fix what we have broken in time to save ourselves? Complicated questions, right? I guess that's my point!!

Chi-Town

2007-10-16T19:29:00.000-07:00

Check Out Mr. Beck with his extended family HERE

Once Removed

2007-10-12T08:42:00.001-07:00

So we're are currently on Beckett's inaugural journey to Chicago-land. He had his first airplane ride yesterday and did stellar. There was, however, some old guy that kept staring at Heather...it may have had something to do with her racktastic shirt and general state of engorgement. Oh, by the way, one of the great things about traveling with a baby is the opportunity to "pre-board". Unfortunately, In one of the all-time dumbest customer service moves ever, Southwest no longer lets you pre-board with your baby! You have to wait until all of the "A" people get on so you end up almost all the way in the back of the plane. Can someone explain this to me? Why is it that the old people still get to pre-board, but not people traveling with young children? I plan on writing a strongly worded letter to Southwest Airlines.

Anyhoo...

We are staying at my Aunt Diane's house (Beckett's Great-Aunt); the little man will be meeting all sorts of extended family in the next couple of days so it got us thinking about familial relations. My cousin Katie is coming home from college today to meet him and we were trying to figure out what she would be to Beckett. SO, I would like to take this opportunity to educate all of us on just what it means to be a 1st cousin, once removed or a 3rd cousin, twice removed...etc etc.

Relationship Terms
The definitions below should help you out.

Cousin (a.k.a "first cousin")
Your first cousins are the people in your family who have two of the same grandparents as you. In other words, they are the children of your aunts and uncles.

Second Cousin
Your second cousins are the people in your family who have the same great-grandparents as you, but not the same grandparents.

Third, Fourth, and Fifth Cousins
Your third cousins have the same great-great-grandparents, fourth cousins have the same great-great-great-grandparents, and so on.

Removed
When the word "removed" is used to describe a relationship, it indicates that the two people are from different generations. You and your first cousins are in the same generation (two generations younger than your grandparents), so the word "removed" is not used to describe your relationship.

The words "once removed" mean that there is a difference of one generation. For example, your mother's first cousin is your first cousin, once removed. This is because your mother's first cousin is one generation younger than your grandparents and you are two generations younger than your grandparents. To apply this to our present situation, my first cousin Katie is Beckett's first cousin, once removed.

I hope you all feel much more knowledgeable now, I know I do.

I'll post a bunch of pics and stuff of the trip when we get home.

Road Rage

2007-10-08T07:32:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow is my last day at my current job, which means it's also my last day of driving a 64-mile round trip commute. My saving grace this last 16 months has been Sirius Satellite Radio and a little guilty pleasure of mine called the Howard Stern Show. You haven't experienced depravity until you've spent hundreds of hours with an uncensored Stern (e.g. "amputee ping pong" and "the spank machine"). Fortunately my new job is a more manageable distance from our home, and it avoids the nasty traffic hang-up in Kansas City called "The Grandview Triangle". I'll miss Howard, but my life will go on without "The World's Smartest Stripper" competition.

While sitting in traffic this morning I got to reminiscing about all the strange things I've seen during my commute in KC, and also back when I lived in Chicago. Just the other day, for example, I drove past a car completely engulfed in flames on the side of I-435; no rescue vehicles in site (got a great cell phone picture of that one)! There have been a lot of near misses too, like when I was driving down an icy Kennedy Expressway in Chi-town and some guy spun out. He started on my left, spun across my field of vision, and ended up in the lane to my right where a semi trucked plowed into him. Amazingly, no one was hurt. On my way home a few months back I saw a funnel cloud in Kansas, then drove through the rainbow that followed the storm (cell phone pics of that one too).

I wonder how many accidents or post-accidents I've seen? Should've kept a tally. I have long asserted that whoever causes an accident should have to reimburse all the other drivers on the road for the time spent stuck in the traffic jam that ensues. How many precious hours of my life have been lost because of some a-hole talking on a cell phone?! LOTS! Is there anyone out there that can help me write this legislation? We'll call it the "A-Hole Driver Reimbursement Law".

The thing that really blows me away about driving is a lack of manners. "Road Rudeness" as I like to call it. Like the guy that speeds up really fast so you can't merge on to the highway, or the jerk who rides up right behind you and flashes his lights incessantly (as if I didn't see him and the giant Confederate flag painted on his hood). It's not just the redneck pickup drivers either; soccer moms, overcompensating suburban white dudes, and shiny 22" rim thugs are all equal offenders. Imagine if we treated each other this way walking down a crowded sidewalk. It would be like me just randomly stepping in front of an old lady trying to walk out of her apartment building...then flicking her off and honking an air horn at her. Sounds ridiculous, right? Then why must we treat each other this way on the roadways? I hereby call for a truce between the commuters of the world. Can't we all just get along???

Actually, I do have a theory about this "a-hole driver" phenomenon. I think there's some serious primal instinct at work when we're driving because, quite frankly, our lives are in danger every time we pull out of the driveway. We've all felt that pinge of anxiety and rage when someone does something moronic on the roadways that puts us in harm's way. All this adrenaline inevitably leads to a very primal and angry world out there on the nation's highways and byways.

Idiot drivers are everywhere; I know you think that your city has the market on dumbasses on the roadways, but I'm certain they are in all corners of the country. So Buckle up, don't go more then 10 mph over the speed limit, and for cryin' out loud....LET ME MERGE!

The Fatherhood

2007-10-05T12:12:00.000-07:00

For those unaware, I have recently begun an adventure into the wold of parenthood. My baby Beckett is almost 2 months old now! Isn't he cute? Here's 6 things I thought I thought before becoming a Dad, and what I think I think now.

1. I thought that diapers were going to make me vomit.

1a. Actually, babies help you gradually acclimate to wiping their ass by having poop that doesn't smell that bad in the beginning. I hear that changes once solid food starts... looking forward to true turds.

2. I thought having a baby was to be turn my life upside down, twist it into a little ball, then throw it over a bridge.

2a. Despite the fact that everyone insisted on saying "you're life's never going to be the same" (in that doomsday tone of voice), there have been way more fun and exciting times than anything else. I don't know why there are so many of those people out there who tried to scare me, perhaps that's more an indictment of their own attitude towards parenthood. I think back to one of my more touchy-feely grad school classes where we talked a lot about the kind of attitude we apply towards a particular situation and how dictates our level of happiness. I choose to cherish each day with my family...and love to sit and rock my boy at 3 in the morning.

3. I thought that all TV channels had programming on 24/7.

3a. Not true, there are several channels that are off the air between 2 and 5am.

4. Didn't think I'd cry when the baby was born. Don't get me wrong, there have been very happy times in my life, but I've always reserved crying for funerals or soccer balls to the jewels.

4a. Cried like a baby. Or to be more accurate, cried like an adult. There's something amazingly distinct about a baby's cry that I never fully appreciated until becoming a father.

5. Thought I knew what child birth was going to be like.

5a. Not like on TV. A lot of goo and other interesting artifacts. Heather read a great book called "Belly Laughs: The Naked Truth about Pregnancy and Childbirth" by Jenny McCarthy which delves in to all the gory details. I won't spoil it for you; just know that one of the chapters is titled "Poop on the Table".

6. I thought it would take a long time to figure out how to take care of an baby.

6a. Picked it up pretty quickly. It helps to have a pediatrician for wife.

I am sure that parenthood will be a recurring theme of this blog, so stay tuned.

2007-10-05T08:59:00.000-07:00

For those of you whove ever watched "Inside the Actors Studio" on Bravo you've heard Jim Lipton's famous questionairre at the end of each episode. Amongst other things, he asks his guests their favorite and least favorite words. My favorite word is velcro , my least favorite word is BLOG

TV Nation

2007-10-05T08:14:00.000-07:00

I like TV.

Did you ever meet THAT PERSON who constantly rants about how little TV they watch - as if that somehow makes them a superior being! Note: THAT PERSON is often the same person who is "really in to their music", and carries a pretense that they are somehow better than you because they listen to Wilco and knew about Jack Johnson before everyone else.

So, as the new fall season of TV kicks off, I'd like to deliver a not-so-subtle message to THAT PERSON. You're missing out. You're missing out on the chance to laugh at political pundits with Steven Colbert, and you're missing out on the drama of a Texas high school football town in Friday Night Lights (which, by the way, is THE best show on television right now and it premiers tonight on NBC). You are missing out on Vic Mackey's moral dilemmas on the most inyourface cop drama in history - the Shield; and you're missing out on learning how septic tanks are cleaned on Dirty Jobs.

There is a lot of crap on TV too (Grey's Anatomy, Desparate Housewives, CSI Topeka), but there's plenty of good to keep us all entertained. And if THAT PERSON doesn't think they have time to watch television, let me introduce you to the greatest invention in the history of Man-Kind......the Digital Video Recorder (let's all bow our heads and thank the good Lord for the DVR).

So, to THAT PERSON I say fooey. You are missing out!

Sucking the Marrow

2007-10-05T08:13:00.000-07:00

Rather than writing about myself (cause I'm way to ordinary for anyone to care), this blog will focus on more existential topics. Please know that I am not delusional enough to think that my mind is more than 1% of Kierkegaard or Nietzsche's (I probably didn't even spell their names right), so please don't set your expectations to high!!